My Final Defense

I can't really explain it well. There is something inside of me that wants to rebel, argue, defend against something...anything. It has always been there, ever since I can remember at least. I remember back in my early childhood (I couldn't have been more than 12 years old) when I rebelled against bell choir at our church (eventually being kicked out by own mother...deservedly). I then rebelled against the 'game' which is involved in getting good grades in HS, then against music in general (which was a no no growing up in my family) and evetually against the faith I had grown up in. And then there is the little things like taking a stance in a discussion and defending it to the death, even if I dont really agree with what I'm defending. It's a disease really, I havn't found the cure yet but I do think I have begun to make some strides.

I've found that life gets much scarier when you stop defending everything. What once was black and white soon becomes very grey and sometimes even a color you didn't see at all before like blue or pink. This may not seem scary to you, but to me it was and is very frightening. All these walls and foundations I had built up came crumbling down along with a lot of my pressupositions about everything. Whether it was defending who I am friends with, why I act the way I do or what the best movie is (Matrix 1 by the way) my defenses served a purpose in me that I had never realized until I had tried to stop and slow down.

I found that alot of my behavior and actions were based upon finding meaning in defense itself. Let me explain that vague statement some. We find meaning in all sorts of things such as anger. Anger gives someone a definite reaction to a situation or experience which gives meaning to that experience...like it was good or it sucked or it pissed me off. The reaction of anger helps define that experience for that individual and gives meaning to that particular area of thier life. I think defending does that for me. I defend all sorts of things which gives all these things meaning in my life. Such as defending why Matrix is the best movie...ever. By the emotion that is involved with me defending this statement the experience of Matrix finds meaning in my life as well as the conversation when I am defending it. Nevermind, if Matrix really has meaning or not in my life, it doesn't really matter because when I am defending it the defense itself brings me meaning.

Let me take this one step further. I am a Christian...ohh how I loathe that term, but I have none other so take it for what you want. As a Christian we are taught to defend our faith. Well I'm not so sure I agree with that statement anymore. I dont think 'defending' our faith serves any good. There may have been a time in history when it was useful and practical but I just don't see it anymore. I think in our defense we are more finding meaning for ourselves then really trying to help someone else. Our cliche answers to lifes huge questions just dont do it. Besides the result of eliminating all mystery from God we are only looking like a bunch of idiots scared that what we believe in actually isnt true. Our defenses make us look more like a scared child afraid to find our what daddy's gonna do when he finds out what we really did. Let's forget about what Jesus says about our lives and focus on trying to convince people that Jesus did rise from the dead....come on. It sounds to me like a distraction strategy, like politicians love to do. Get the people passionate about something, anything (like war) and they won't bother you with the real problems.

If you have a problem with this...let me know and we can fiercly argue about it as I defend my view to death.

A Divine Moment

As is the case most Sundays (especially since it is my job), I was in church this morning. On my way to church I was listening to NPR since I wasn't in the mood for music. Most of the ride was spent listening to updates on the aftermath of Katrina. I sat and drove in sadness to church. It was a perfect day outside, but it just seemed to mock the feeling in the air. I'm not sure why this tragedy affected me more than others but this one really hit home for me. As I listened to NPR they spoke of something that made my whole self sink into my chair hoping I could disappear or find out this was a dream.

They spoke on the topic of race and the hurricane. I was absolutely blown away. I thought very quickly a few days ago as I watched some TV coverage that everyone seemed to be black which struck me as odd, but since I'm white and ignorant I just moved on in my thoughts. However, as the woman on NPR talked I realized what I was seeing... A response to people in need based on thier economical status. These urban folk (not all black but generalizing) didnt have cars or a place to go. And go to the shelter you say? Ok, sure you go where you'll get raped if you go to the bathroom, I dare you. But they are animals you say...they are looting and shooting, its not the governments fault? Bullshit, its a hurricane! its something we knew in advance for a week in an area we all knew was the most susceptible place in America. We just forgot that a Cat 4 might not do too much damage? I can't imagine if it had sustained at Cat 5 when it hit. Who gives a shit about poor black people down south, they're backwards anyways...they don't count as a full human being. Give me a break. I'm not saying the purposefully decided to try to kill all these people, I just believe they didn't even think about them much at all when deciding how to respond two days before the hurricane actually hit.

So I get to church fired up with deep sorrow, anger and shame. Luckily everyone was smiling (I forgot... we were at church). The cynicism was creeping in hardcore...I was ready to blast these people in my head. How can we meet to worship God and not talk about this event, not ask questions and not cry?

To my much needed suprise, God prepared a place for me. Our organist was away on vacation leaving a fill-in piano player only. If you ever go to a traditional church, you know how majestic an organ can sound compared to a piano on hymns. However, when we began to sing hymns beautifully picked out and liturgy selected to meditate on the tragedy I found myself near tears on every line. The piano sounded dead trying to play the usually majestic hymns. It reminded me of a soilder barely hanging on to life taking long desperate breaths after being critically wounded in battle, much like my faith that morning. I can't say I have ever appreciated liturgy more than that Sunday. I don't think I could ever have been able to come up with my own words during this time. Sometimes I think it takes the persepective of history to be able to speak on tragedy.
Not only that but my favorite part of Church was occuring that Sunday...holy communion. Never did communion seem to fit so perfectly. Never was I more in need of a rescue then that Sunday morning. As I took the bread and dipped it into the juice, I couldn't help but think of the irony involved with the whole situation....how I believe that I was rescued through a tragedy while grieving over a tragedy. I cried some as I sat down, prayed and thought about everything as the fill-in piano player suprised me again and played a harp during communion that sounded like tears falling from heaven.

Just remember that "the rain falls on the righteous and the wrong". That means both the "good" and "bad" people's crops are prospering from it and being destroyed by it. Don't let anyone tell you there was something especially horrible or evil about Louisiana that God was punishing.

The Cynic Speaks

I hate to post this at a time like this, with a true and real natural disaster (whatever that means) going on down south but I cant hold it in any longer. I watch CNN, read some internet news and i cant help but be deeply moved by the stories and images. It takes you in, grabs your heart and forces you to feel. I can't imagine being there right now in the midst of this chaos. I can't begin to tell you how it feels to watch people die in front of me or not being able to even go to bathroom without fear of rape.

I see the reaction to people around our country. "I am ashamed of our governement" one woman from house of reps said. The governer of New Orleans said "They are spinning and we are dying." Harsh words for our government which is supposedly built of us.

I can't help but see these words turned around on those that say them. Taking nothing away from the tragedy that is happening down South, I can't help but think of the thousands of starving children around the world that no one cries for, that no one bothers to hear, that no one is speaking for. I cant help but wonder how much we are condemning ourselves by not doing something in the areas we are just ignoring. The locations we have spun so that we believe it really isn't our responsibility, the lines we hear that cause us to become numb to people dying because they are seperated by an ocean. God help us all.