Suprised by Joy

I apologize for the length of this story, but if you're going to read one of my blogs...take the time to read this one. I've stolen the title from C.S. Lewis, I'm sorry for the unorginiality but any other title seemed to fall short.

It was early in the moring on September 11, 2001 the day now known as 9/11. It was a day that changed my life forever, a turning point i guess you could say, even if it took me over 3 years to realize it. It was one of those days where you feel like you are floating above looking down at everything going on, a moment that is too surreal to believe that it is reality, maybe the mind disconnects during these moments out of self defense. I didn't sleep very much the night before, there was too much on my mind. My life seemed to be moving fine before this incident, how could one moment make entire life come to a screeching halt? It wasn't that big of deal in the grand scheme of things. Why was this event different then the ones before. It wasn't the first time I've been caught. I was never embarrassed of my behavior, I was always honest if anyone asked. Funny thing though, when your honest...not many people like to ask. As I put my tie on around 7:ooam it felt like i was looking at someone else, someone i didn't know. I couldn't eat, the butterflies in my stomach seemed extra frantic this morning. How did i get here?

My dad showed up at my college to pick me up around 7:30am. It was hard to make eye contact let alone conversation. We soon left to go on our way. I was hoping he would turn the radio on so I wouldn't have to talk. Sometimes talking seems harder than flying away. I can't remember much of the ride there, it was only 10 minutes long. I recall passing it and having to make a U-turn but I don't remember much of what was said, if anything. I just remember the butterflies seemed to keep getting more frantic, maybe they got ahold of some speed down there. As we walked in together, there were more people than I expected to see. I wonder if they feel the same as I do, someone who isn't supposed to be here. I sit down in a pew with my dad feeling like one of those Japanese tourist in New York City.

We wait for about 30minutes before the Judge calls my name. "Andrew A. Wenker". It's all that needed to be said to sum up the last 3 years of my life. I stand up by myself, slowly shuffle out of the pew, walk down the middle aisle and stand before the Judge. Once again there's a big blind spot in my memory of what happened next. Some stuff about lawyers, my rights and whether I could afford a lawyer or would the state need to appoint one to me. I said I could afford one. The Judge then explained some things to me that I can't recall and I went to fill out some papers.

It was then time to go back to the dreaded car. I remember the walk taking an unexplainably long time for only a hundred yards or so. I purposely stayed behind my dad, just in his shadows. It was windy and I can still hear the sound of the large American flag flapping in the wind. Everything seemed extra quiet except the flag. As we got in the car, I knew there was no way I was going to make it back to my school without any words being said. How did I get here?

I was still floating when my dad first spoke. I can't bring to mind what broke the ice, but we quickly got to the point. I think I said something in my false strength along the lines of "thank you for coming with me, you didn't have to do that". Now you have to understand it took me three years to finally see this important moment in my life. What he responded with did not change me instantly. It grew like a untended vine slowly taking over my whole self. It didn't bring me to my knees crying for redemption. I was barely able to swallow it at the time, barely able to let it sink in without contemptuous thoughts fighting it out. I recognize the battle for this moment in my life clearer now. I can see why it was so hard for me to digest what was said here. If this moment was lost, my life might be completely different, if the other side took this battle the war might be over, it was the Battle of the Bulge for my soul. This was that moment in my life that rested on a razors edge, it could have went either way. Only by the grace of God, did my soul not lay in defeat that windy morning. My father responded with a short sentence I had heard before but never ingested, I never had the real opportunity to test it. This was the moment of truth...was he telling the truth or just saying the "right" things in the past when it was easy. He looked over at me and told me in his warm voice "I still love you son, no less then before. I am disappointed and sad. But my love remains the same." The butterflies suddenly stopped, trying to hold the tears in was like trying to keep the incoming tide from a sand castle, my misty eyes just looked out the window unfocused in the way that everything along the road blurs. I wanted him to know that it didn't touch me, that I didn't need his love, that I was ok on my own. While on the inside, all I wanted to do was cry and be held by my father. One moment of vulnerability is all it took to plant a seed that would eventually graft onto the Vine. Thank you dad for showing me what love is, I know it wasn't easy.

It was that day that I learned that real love has no, absolutly no, requirements beside one shared characteristic...being a son or daughter of the Father. It's not controlling, not self seeking, its patient, kind, it always hopes, it keeps no record of wrong, it never fails. I no longer needed to give up trying to earn something that was never attainable (read that again, it's a double negative) A love that has to be earned is no love at all. I can't give a date when I had given up on love, but I can tell you it was the last day I truly lived. I suppose as children we never question whether we are loved, at some point as we grow and "mature" we start to lose this perpective of uneared love. This moment of vulnerability was my first taste of Life in years, however brief. But oh the sweet taste. I had forgotten the flavor, it had been so long. Only the moment I knew i was loved was I ever able start to love again. Now this is my simple yet complex journey... to live a life of love, of being loved by the Father and in that love having no choice but to love people. Never forget that you are a son or daughter of a Loving Father... your life depends on it.

Pain is joy

I noticed something today as i watched the Eagles win the NFC...finally. I have been a Eagles fan as long as i can remember and have suffered the heartache of watching 3 NFC championship losses. I remember the pain after each one, greater as each year passed. As i sat there in half disbelief watching the Birds finally get to the Super Bowl I realized that the joy of watching the win is nowhere near the pain of seeing them lose. I really can't tell you why, but I wonder what draws me to sports so much. Is it the pain or the joy? I love the wins but its the toughness after losses that I think I really connect with. The pain in the players faces, the determination to get back up, the feeling of unfinished business wrentching in the gut. This is the stuff that really makes me love sports. I need to watch to see if they get back up and fight. It's the same reason we all love comebacks so much, its the notion of never giving up, the idea that its not over till its over. For three staight years the Eagles have "gotten back up" to fight. Next up... the Super Bowl, i can't wait. But even if the Birds lose, I'll be waiting to watch them get back up to fight another day. Live the pain and the eventual joy will be that much greater. If you need evidence just take a look at any true Red Sox fan, i think they're still smiling.

Humbled by Gum

Have you ever had a moment where you know what the right thing to do is...but for some reason you choose not to do it. Im not talking about huge moments here just the small ones, such as driving by a stranded motorist or not holding the door. Well i had one of those moments today. I was sitting in class and i take a pack of gum out of my pocket and get a nice slice of gum for myself, my freind next to me with a smile on his face says "ohh my favorite" i look at him, smile, nod and put the pack back in my pocket. Obviously the right thing there would have been to offer him a peice, it briefly crossed my mind, but i pushed it out and thought this gum is mine. The ironic twist to the whole story is that my roomate gave me that pack of gum earlier. I know what your thinking right now "what a jerk, its just gum"...for real, and there were still 3 peices left so it wasn't like it was my last. Don't worry the guilt caused me to offer him a peice about 3 minutes later...which he declined.

Why does this make me such a jerk is the question that i pondered for awhile afterwards. While i never really came up with anything worth writing down on that question something else popped up in my mind. What else do i hold onto as if it is mine when it is really just a gift. You know where im going with this right? Thats what i thought...how about my entire existence. What have i ever done to earn my life? nothing at all...when im brutally honest ive done plenty to deserve for it to be taken away. I've wasted the time, I've wasted the talents and I've stolen the glory. Of course, this whole discourse is presupposed to the idea that we have a maker and creator, but thats just where I am. This life is not my own and it deserves to be given freely to the one who gave me life, not just my first breath but my redemption. Give up the gum it's the only path to peace, just don't wait 3 minutes. He who tries to save his life will lose it, he who gives up his life will gain it.

WWJD

I dont mean to beat this phrase to death but i have some thoughts on WWJD. It really doesn't seem to be a bad question to ask yourself when faced with moral or life decisions. I think there is a lot of good in it actually and it has some use. However, i dont think the practical use is the same as what most people see it for. I think WWJD works great for figuring out what we need to change in ourselves not in actually doing the right thing. Let me explain a little bit, when I ask myself this question i find that i am at a crossroad, i can choose what usually temporarily feels good or what brings glory to God and give me more ultimate satisfaction. For some reason its not hard to decide what Jesus would do (although there are excpetions) so why wouldnt this work and make us into Jesus impersonators? I think the key lies in the rest of it. How does an athlete do what he/she does? What we see is amazing ability on TV but what we dont see is what i think is the key. We dont see the hours of hard work in practice, the right diet, training, etc. I think we are powerless to do what Jesus did unless our underlife is training for those decisions. However, this stuff isn't sexy, its not appealing when looking at it from the outside. So many other things seem to be much more exciting and fulfilling. Jesus spent much of his time in prayer, meditation, fasting, solitude, simplistic living and scripture (although never seen in the gospels he seemed to have known the the Jewish scriptures by memory). Beside the first one, evangelicals have veered away from the rest. This is the time where a foundation is built. I really do believe that we are what we invest our time into. Jesus invested his time with his Father to know Him, to obey Him, to follow Him, to give Him glory. Afterall, Jesus didn't have the phrase WWJD, so how did he know which decision to make? By rooting into the Firm Foundation and when the decision came up he was able to soak up the power from the Father to be able to make the decision. I really think that these disciplines are lacking in our churches for the most part. I don't think we can expect anyone to make the right decisions without a source of power to make them. The disciples didn't just see Jesus turn the 5 into 5000 or heal the lame they also saw his more important side(more important meaning more time spent), the disciplines that enabled him to do those things. I am in the very early stages of coming to an understanding of this but i already recognize the importance of these things. I'm not claiming anything but grace has redeemed us, but im saying to live as Jesus did, as a disciple of Jesus we must strive to live like him in every aspect excpet for obvious cultural changes, i have not changed to a cloack and sandals yet. I know im making this sound way to simplistic and easy and im not giving you an answer to your problem, this is no magic pill, its really a way of life.

* this idea was birthed from the book called The Spirit of The Disciplines by Dallas Willard

short story

First day of the semester, new faces in class, new teachers all that stuff. Just a funny moment i realized after class i thought someone might connect with. Heres the downlow, Im sitting there in one class that only has 8 people in it because of the format. We're sitting around two tables put together. The class starts at 10am.

9:54am There are 6 people in the smallest classroom i have ever been in. It couldn't have been more than 10x10ft. I spot the 3 freshman right away, its not hard its like seeing a tourist in your home town you just know they are, 2 males 1 female. Some "give me attention jokes" are said by the loud one and a quick introduction from him. I can't remember his name, but no one responded just a look of confusion in all our faces. Obviously he didn't know introductions don't work until after lunch.
9:55am I find my eye spot. There is a plaque on the wall across from me. I fixate upon it like it has the answers to the final on it. I spot a girl glancing at my spot, i quickly glance at her and she looks away. My territory has been taken back, victory! Although I can't recall what it actually said.
9:57am I see the guy next to me has found his spot. I quickly sneak a look so that he doesn't think i am trying to steal his spot. His is better than mine, he found a pin the tail on a donkey game on the wall with the tail's placed in a very obscene manner. A smile creeps out against my will.
9:58am A girl i know walks in and sits across from me. We give each other eye contact, the quick smile and small nod of the head. I felt like words should have been said but the room was just too quiet, i couldn't break it. I get fixated back on my spot and try to ignore the freshmen.
9:59am There is still no teacher in the room yet and the class starts in 1 minute. My spot is getting boring but i keep at it, it's my only hope of not having to get into a meaningless converstaion. I almost break with a question about how much the class books cost but i hold back and stay on my spot.
10am The teacher finally arrives. Smiles are had, soft laughter is heard and spots are no longer controlled. The tension dillutes as the class moves on.

people are so weird (im including myself)

Everyone loves a good list

I try to be as authentic as possible with people, sometimes i succeed sometimes concede. I tend to gravitate toward the same type of people. Im not really a people person so i dont have a ton of freinds but the freinds i do have i consider authentic people. I've wondered lately what causes me to "get along" with some people and not "get along" with others. I know one answer won't sum this question up but i think authenticity is one of the biggest factors. This wasn't such a big deal when i was younger (high school age) but i think that's because i wasn't authentic myself. However, as i grow older i realize that so many people around don't know who they are and dont really care much to know. As a Christian, being authentic might even be harder. We are pounded to say certain things and look like certain people. Maybe this is why I have a hard time making true freinds that are Christians. Here are a list of things to conform to as a christian if you want to get along with everyone in church: (in no particular order)
1. you're praying for everyone that has ever told you a problem in his/her life
2. you're biggest "struggle" is spending time with God
3. use hair gel before church
4. always answer with " you just have to have faith"
5. or "ill pray for you"
6. don't mean it when you ask "how are you doing?"
7. dress to impress
8. almost every sin you can think of has to do with yourself
9. fellowship=doughnuts and coffee
10. always smile
11. never say "I don't know"
12. only give $ when people are looking
13. only give $ to your local church
14. watch oprah (if female)
15. be up on the latest celebrity info or you'll be out of the conversation (by the way Jen and Brad are divorced)
....many more but i wont list them all, you get the point. I have to admit i love the church, i still go to church, i am actually on my way to go into professional ministry but hopefully i never give into the pressures of looking and acting the part. I know i do sometimes, but hopefully i can stay authentic in the midst of failure and success. Both feed into conformity, to run from failure or buy into success always concedes to others expecations. This is a plea to be who you are, be honest, be authentic, be real, be compassionate. Christianity is not what is seen on TV. (feel free to add to the list in your comments)
---by the way please pray for me =)

Nearsighted

Isn't odd how we believe our senses so quickly? I'm a contact wearer and i love them, but how much do they really fix? I can't see what i really need to see, i cant see beyond the moment, I'm bound to time. That's what sight really is, being able to see beyond the moment. Can you imagine, you'd be able to avoid the pain, reach for the greatest joy, never make the wrong choice. "They have eyes but dont see, ears but dont hear..." How much can we truely rely on our senses? How many times do they have to let us down? Reality is not always as it seems, although i never seem to believe my own statements. If only i could remember that life is lived for more than a moment. This song was birthed out of that idea.

Nearsighted

Too close to see anything

Dont care what it brings

I hate it but i love it

Want the race, hate the aftertaste

Looks alright from far away

I think the voice is gone for now

I'm back again to taste this fruit

Aint got nothing left to fear

Myopic* eyes

Believed the lies

My opaque eyes

Decieved by lies

Just one of those times again

It all seems to fade away

Hindsights always so clear

Can only imagine if i hadn't of stayed

My ears hear no more than i choose

Blinded by my own 2 cents

My eyes close to see only me

This moment's lived just for a kiss

Decieved by eyes, once again

Believed the lies, I'm here again

Myopic eyes

Believed the lies

My opaque eyes

Decieved by lies

*Myopic-unable to see clearly things that are far away
@ cambridge dictionary

To my Maker and Creator

i felt like this song needs some context so im adding in where it came from:
I was at this concert laying down on a blanket looking up at the sky. I was enjoying the music but not really into it and i love stars so i was just staring at them, and for a moment i swore i saw some stars twinkling to the music being played and it seemed like they were dancing to the music. This got me thinking to how alive creation is and brought in a flood of other things around us that remind me of how creation praises its Creator, we just need to look. I wrote this with the intention to join in with the rest of the created in praising our Creator.

Creation Alive

The stars dance to your music with joy unmatched
The sun shines forth your glory with all the radiance alive
The sky stretches with your grace unending colors abound
The ground soaks up your mercy poured on thirsty lips

How great You are
Beautiful, Gloriously robed
Make me Your creation alive

The moon reflects your greatness afar empty and dark alone
The ocean swells deep with your love filling the deepest of depths
The winds scream with praise while leaves are dancing in your honor
The thunder rolls out your majesty with clouds annoucing the Great I Am

How great You are
Beautiful, Gloriously robed

The wonder of it all is how
I've lost this wonder and awe of You
Beautiful, Glorious, Great I Am, Majesty

How great You are
Beautiful, Gloriously robed
Make me Your creation alive

traffic

Sitting, starting, stopping, gazing, daydreaming, frustrated. Thousands of us all on the same road but with different desinations. Do you ever wonder where everyone is going? or where everyone is coming from? Youv'e got the shoulder rider, the singer, the finger popper, the tailgater, the makeupdoer, the starer' the reader all sitting in boredom trying to waste some time. Maybe if im busy enough ill forget all about the traffic. Maybe if i piss some other people off this ride will be alright. Do we really have anywhere to go? Are we really heading anywhere? Who cares, at least we're progressing. Progress? am i actually progessing nah just moving. The traffic has stopped again, quick, move so i dont have to think about this. Mind on the road, keep your mind on the road and dont think about the destination it just might kill you. No one else is worrying about the desination why should you? Just keep driving, there...that pain is fading away now, ahh i remember now, its all about beating the person in front of you, that's what it's all about. Mind on the road...

live strong

alright, i have to admit it. These things set me off, no more than that...they enrage me. Kind of like the feeling you get when you glance over to see an ex-girlfreind that your not over yet snuggling up on some other guy. The color yellow even bothers me, why couldnt Lance make it blue or even orange for goodness sake anything but that hideous color yellow. Every time i see someone wearing one my mind instantly snaps into the VH1 show about the decades. I just picture some B rated comedian making half funny jokes about the live strong bracelots like the pump up sneaker or the bicker short craze of the 90s. saying this like "live strong? did anyone actually buy one of those bracelots how did so many people have them? you would think a cure would have been found by now, all the scientists probablly used the money on booze." My question to all who wear them is WHY OH WHY?!? do you really give 3 hoots about cancer? im sure some do but why wear the bracelot...just donate the freakin money and be done. (remember this is being written in pure rage). I guarantee wearing the bracelot will not save or prevent you from getting cancer. oh the yellow...the deep evil of yellow. For the love of sweet apples join me in the resistance of rubber bracelots of all colors: yellow, black, pink, green, white, red...the whole lot of them.
on the other hand, maybe all of this rage comes from me subconsciously wanting to join the bracelot people and do whatever bracelot people do, maybe i am secretly jealous of the mysterious power of the bracelot. They do have a certain aura around them. I wonder if the bracelot people all meet in a secret hiding place or maybe they get free upgrades at mcdonalds. Maybe i am missing out on this movement. Maybe the bracelot people will start wearing live strong socks and live strong undies. Yes..Yes, then i will join the bracelot people when i can wear rubber underwear and not be called 'freak'. Then i might even learn secret information of the car magnet people, but they are for another time my freind.

* free tangent* i actually begged my parents for biker shorts at some point in my elementary years, and i dont know what is scarier: that fact that i wanted them or that i vividly remember crying because i didnt get them. Im not sure if i have fully healed from that moment in my life yet. *

on the band wagon

so i guess ill join the masses and start a blog. I don't really know why but i guess someone might like to hear my random thoughts on life. also i like to say the word blog and blogger, it just sounds nice coming off your tongue and this will give me the opportunity to do that. I wonder if anyone will actually read this? a cry into the dark... hello hello hello. Thats all for now this is captian ill signing off..