My Final Defense

I can't really explain it well. There is something inside of me that wants to rebel, argue, defend against something...anything. It has always been there, ever since I can remember at least. I remember back in my early childhood (I couldn't have been more than 12 years old) when I rebelled against bell choir at our church (eventually being kicked out by own mother...deservedly). I then rebelled against the 'game' which is involved in getting good grades in HS, then against music in general (which was a no no growing up in my family) and evetually against the faith I had grown up in. And then there is the little things like taking a stance in a discussion and defending it to the death, even if I dont really agree with what I'm defending. It's a disease really, I havn't found the cure yet but I do think I have begun to make some strides.

I've found that life gets much scarier when you stop defending everything. What once was black and white soon becomes very grey and sometimes even a color you didn't see at all before like blue or pink. This may not seem scary to you, but to me it was and is very frightening. All these walls and foundations I had built up came crumbling down along with a lot of my pressupositions about everything. Whether it was defending who I am friends with, why I act the way I do or what the best movie is (Matrix 1 by the way) my defenses served a purpose in me that I had never realized until I had tried to stop and slow down.

I found that alot of my behavior and actions were based upon finding meaning in defense itself. Let me explain that vague statement some. We find meaning in all sorts of things such as anger. Anger gives someone a definite reaction to a situation or experience which gives meaning to that experience...like it was good or it sucked or it pissed me off. The reaction of anger helps define that experience for that individual and gives meaning to that particular area of thier life. I think defending does that for me. I defend all sorts of things which gives all these things meaning in my life. Such as defending why Matrix is the best movie...ever. By the emotion that is involved with me defending this statement the experience of Matrix finds meaning in my life as well as the conversation when I am defending it. Nevermind, if Matrix really has meaning or not in my life, it doesn't really matter because when I am defending it the defense itself brings me meaning.

Let me take this one step further. I am a Christian...ohh how I loathe that term, but I have none other so take it for what you want. As a Christian we are taught to defend our faith. Well I'm not so sure I agree with that statement anymore. I dont think 'defending' our faith serves any good. There may have been a time in history when it was useful and practical but I just don't see it anymore. I think in our defense we are more finding meaning for ourselves then really trying to help someone else. Our cliche answers to lifes huge questions just dont do it. Besides the result of eliminating all mystery from God we are only looking like a bunch of idiots scared that what we believe in actually isnt true. Our defenses make us look more like a scared child afraid to find our what daddy's gonna do when he finds out what we really did. Let's forget about what Jesus says about our lives and focus on trying to convince people that Jesus did rise from the dead....come on. It sounds to me like a distraction strategy, like politicians love to do. Get the people passionate about something, anything (like war) and they won't bother you with the real problems.

If you have a problem with this...let me know and we can fiercly argue about it as I defend my view to death.