For Real?

I was recently inspired by an blog from Real Live Preacher (see right hand side RLP) entitled "telling the truth". It brought me to the realization that I really am, still, deeply self-decieved. There are things I believe about myself that just aren't true. I wasnt going to post this because it might look like an attempt to look more godly by saying I am not. But I finally decided to because I am also afraid to post it. If I am afraid to post it, that means there are things in there that people who read this probably believe about me that aren't true. So I've decided to put it up. However, I also run the disclaimer that part of the "looking more godly" could still be a motivation and for that I apologize and ask you to look beyond it in hopes that it may make you feel uncomftorable and inspire you to be honest with yourself.

Honesty, its something I believe that I am most of the time but I want to write about myself no holds bar. Take away all the crap that people see, all the falsities that people believe, all the things I want people to think of me and leave the real me, the ugly bruised, scared, lonely me. I don’t think I even know sometimes what it real and what is a lie. Its not that I am a person who cant stop lying its just that I always tend to lie to myself about who I am. I am deeply sef-decieved.

I love to get praise. I love it when you tell me I did a good job. It feels good like a pet on the ego. I think I do a lot of things for your praise, sometimes even leading worship music in church. I know its sad, and I will deny it to you that this is true but when you say good job I take it in and don’t give it back to Jesus all too often.

I love to be right and sound smart. I will be right at all costs: your feelings, emotions, truth and pain. I really don’t care if I hurt you in the process I just don’t want my pride to get damaged. I believe I know more than you, even though I know I don’t. I believe you have more to learn from me that I have to learn from you. I would much rather talk then listen!

I love to look humble. I know the right things to say and the right way to act so that you will think I am more godly than you.

I don’t really care about you. I will pretend to listen and care about what you have to say but in reality my mind is drifting because it really doesn’t interest me that much. My feelings are hardly ever affected by what you say and I am barely ever moved to change who I am because of what you tell me.

I am afraid. Im afraid this is all just lie and my life is really meaningless. I am afraid to tell you the truth and to show you the real me. I am afraid to live with faith. I am afraid to get out of this comftorable boat. I am afraid to trust. I am afraid to give up control. I am afraid to let you hold me. I am afraid to stop moving. I am afraid to question.. I am afraid to look at myself. I am afraid to move forward. I am afraid of love. I am afraid to lose control. I am afraid God is real. Im afraid God isnt real. I am afraid of sacrifice. I am afraid of what God has in store for me. I am afraid we are alone.