Who cares...

Decisions, actions, implications, consequences, feelings, thoughts, fears, failures, success', words, misunderstandings, love, faith, hope...it's life and sometimes I hate it. It's more complicated then any formula, too many variables to ever figure it out and too many questions to ever answer. So why bother? Why bother thinking about these things, why take the time to do something which you will never finish? Why not just live the way that makes you most happy at any moment?

It seems odd to me that we consistently choose the unanswerable questions to tackle and the insurmountable tasks to overcome. Why not just always take the easy road? Some do, I don't think I know any but I assume there are people who don't ask the hard questions and always take the easiest path (although I doubt any of them would read my blog).

It is an interesting dichotemy between a desire to acheive and the desire for sloth. I think most people have battles between the two; wanting to do good at school but not wanting to study hard, wanting a good relationship but not wanting to sacrifice anything, wanting a deeper Christian life but not putting time into spiritual disciplines. Almost every decision I make, I find myself at this crossroad. Do I want it enough to give up of myself? But if I give up myself what am I gaining....my real self, peace, joy?

I dont really know but maybe our joys are messed up from what our culture presents us. Maybe what we really want isnt to feel good in the moment but to seek after the greater things in life such as sacrifice, accomplishement, creating, love, faith. None of these things are 'easy' but when they happen, when you give up yourself for someone else, when you work hard as you can on a paper, when a teacher challenges you and you find out you could do it...those are the times I sense a deeper lasting joy. Whenever I choose sloth, an empty feeling always seems to reside in me, a soft voice of failure and regret. One of these days maybe I'll really learn that sloth is never what I am seeking after...even in the moment.