AfterThoughts

PCS

2005-12-29T19:50:00.000-08:00

Going from this....

to this...

may cause PCS.

No...that toga guy is not me, but I have a feeling we have something in common. He looks like a prime canidate for a new found disease, which I already have.

People say that the first step in any disease is diagnosing it. Well, I believe I have diagnosed my own disease (if thats possible). I have spent the last 5 and half years in and out of college. I love the college life, it's the best of both worlds: I believe its the highest ratio of freedom vs responsibility that anyone normally has in thier life. There is no other time where the freedom is so high compared to such a low amount of responsibility. Of course, it must end at some point. I have come to the point where the ratio is beginning to decline. I dont particulary like it and I think it has had a detrimental effect on my well being! I have put together a list of what I think might qualify a person for PCS (post-college syndrom). If you have recently graduated or are near graduating you might want to check yourself. There is no known cure as of yet. But I am working on it. Heres the list: (count one point for each that apply)

1. Everytime you look at your resume you wonder where your $40,000+ went
2. You stay up till 2 or 3am every night because you think it might be your last chance to do it
3. You constantly ask your friends who have entered the real world "How do you do it?"
4. Suits start looking fashionable for the first time
5. You have to tell your parents you have applied some new place about every 2 or 3 days
6. Health insurance is your biggest problem
7. You actually miss studying or writing a paper
8. You start thinking about things you could actually buy now
9. You wake up at noon feeling guilty without knowing why
10. Video games just don't do it anymore
11. Beer is drank at less then 4 an hour and its ok (with no ping pong balls involved or red cups)
12. Your calendar has shruken to 6 months (when loans start needing to be paid)
13. Visions of waking up at 7:30am everyday gives you the shivers

Score:
1-3: You're in the clear (you never did like the college life anyways)
4-7: You have mild PCS or PCS in recession (take an asprin you'll be fine)
8-10: You have PCS. Quick!! Grab a beer, lay down on the couch and watch espn (if you're a guy) or pour a glass of zinfadel, curl up on the couch and watch 'The Notebook' (if you're a girl). You will soon forget all about the worries of the world. Repeat whenever needed.
11-13: You have extreme PCS. Listen carefully...back away from the computer, grab all your money and go on a road trip or any trip to get away for awhile.

Hopefully this helps someone out there. It needs to be talked about!! Ohh the inhumanity!!

Story of Shade

2005-11-25T03:19:00.000-08:00

The Story of Shade

One day a man named Adam was walking around naked in a garden called Eden, which was located somwhere north of South. One night Adam fell asleep feeling a bit strange. As he awoke the next morning he realized his skin had turned all red and now burned with a new odd sensation that wasn't quite pleasant...not pleasant at all. He asked God what these newfound feelings were. God responded with the word "sunburn". Adam didn't like the sound of this word and decided it was a bad thing. So Adam then asked God how to get rid of "sunburn". God told Adam to go to the plant called Ms. Vera.So Adam went over to Aloe Vera and asked her what he should do. Ms. Vera told Adam to break off one of her many arms and then rub the lotion that comes out on to his red skin. Adam didn't like the sound of this since he was good friends with Ms. Vera. So Adam told Aloe that he didn't want to hurt her. Ms. Vera then reassured Adam that she could regrow more and that she would even feel useful if he did it. So Adam, although reluctantly, broke off an arm and did what Ms. Vera told him to do. He soon felt a new cool sensation on his red skin and thanked Ms. Vera profusely. Ms Vera just smiled and said "You're welcome Adam, just remember that you need me when you start killing all my brothers, sisters and cousins". Adam wasn't quite sure what she was talking about but said "you got it" anyways. Since Adam still felt some pain whenever Ms. Vera's lotion wore off, he decided to ask God if God could help him out some.
God, being the nice creator that He is, told Adam He would give him something called shade. Adam liked the sound of this and whispered sahde to himself with a slight grin. "But what is shade?" asked Adam. "You will find shade among all your plant friends. They will create a dark spot on the ground where you can get shelter from the sun" said God. Adam was pleased and bowed down to God thanking Him. From that day on Adam barely ever got "sunburned" thanks to God and Ms. Vera.
The End

Alternate Ending
However, when Adam grew up he decided he wanted lots of money so he slashed and burned the entire garden of Eden and then sold the wood to the paper mill and grew tobacco on the land.
The End.

Persepectives

2005-10-22T14:00:00.000-07:00

I wanted to post something new but didn't feel like writing much. So here is another picture from my glass collection. Maybe it will remind someone how different life is from a new perspective and to keep searching for new angles.

My Final Defense

2005-09-23T15:13:00.000-07:00

I can't really explain it well. There is something inside of me that wants to rebel, argue, defend against something...anything. It has always been there, ever since I can remember at least. I remember back in my early childhood (I couldn't have been more than 12 years old) when I rebelled against bell choir at our church (eventually being kicked out by own mother...deservedly). I then rebelled against the 'game' which is involved in getting good grades in HS, then against music in general (which was a no no growing up in my family) and evetually against the faith I had grown up in. And then there is the little things like taking a stance in a discussion and defending it to the death, even if I dont really agree with what I'm defending. It's a disease really, I havn't found the cure yet but I do think I have begun to make some strides.

I've found that life gets much scarier when you stop defending everything. What once was black and white soon becomes very grey and sometimes even a color you didn't see at all before like blue or pink. This may not seem scary to you, but to me it was and is very frightening. All these walls and foundations I had built up came crumbling down along with a lot of my pressupositions about everything. Whether it was defending who I am friends with, why I act the way I do or what the best movie is (Matrix 1 by the way) my defenses served a purpose in me that I had never realized until I had tried to stop and slow down.

I found that alot of my behavior and actions were based upon finding meaning in defense itself. Let me explain that vague statement some. We find meaning in all sorts of things such as anger. Anger gives someone a definite reaction to a situation or experience which gives meaning to that experience...like it was good or it sucked or it pissed me off. The reaction of anger helps define that experience for that individual and gives meaning to that particular area of thier life. I think defending does that for me. I defend all sorts of things which gives all these things meaning in my life. Such as defending why Matrix is the best movie...ever. By the emotion that is involved with me defending this statement the experience of Matrix finds meaning in my life as well as the conversation when I am defending it. Nevermind, if Matrix really has meaning or not in my life, it doesn't really matter because when I am defending it the defense itself brings me meaning.

Let me take this one step further. I am a Christian...ohh how I loathe that term, but I have none other so take it for what you want. As a Christian we are taught to defend our faith. Well I'm not so sure I agree with that statement anymore. I dont think 'defending' our faith serves any good. There may have been a time in history when it was useful and practical but I just don't see it anymore. I think in our defense we are more finding meaning for ourselves then really trying to help someone else. Our cliche answers to lifes huge questions just dont do it. Besides the result of eliminating all mystery from God we are only looking like a bunch of idiots scared that what we believe in actually isnt true. Our defenses make us look more like a scared child afraid to find our what daddy's gonna do when he finds out what we really did. Let's forget about what Jesus says about our lives and focus on trying to convince people that Jesus did rise from the dead....come on. It sounds to me like a distraction strategy, like politicians love to do. Get the people passionate about something, anything (like war) and they won't bother you with the real problems.

If you have a problem with this...let me know and we can fiercly argue about it as I defend my view to death.

A Divine Moment

2005-09-05T01:09:00.000-07:00

As is the case most Sundays (especially since it is my job), I was in church this morning. On my way to church I was listening to NPR since I wasn't in the mood for music. Most of the ride was spent listening to updates on the aftermath of Katrina. I sat and drove in sadness to church. It was a perfect day outside, but it just seemed to mock the feeling in the air. I'm not sure why this tragedy affected me more than others but this one really hit home for me. As I listened to NPR they spoke of something that made my whole self sink into my chair hoping I could disappear or find out this was a dream.

They spoke on the topic of race and the hurricane. I was absolutely blown away. I thought very quickly a few days ago as I watched some TV coverage that everyone seemed to be black which struck me as odd, but since I'm white and ignorant I just moved on in my thoughts. However, as the woman on NPR talked I realized what I was seeing... A response to people in need based on thier economical status. These urban folk (not all black but generalizing) didnt have cars or a place to go. And go to the shelter you say? Ok, sure you go where you'll get raped if you go to the bathroom, I dare you. But they are animals you say...they are looting and shooting, its not the governments fault? Bullshit, its a hurricane! its something we knew in advance for a week in an area we all knew was the most susceptible place in America. We just forgot that a Cat 4 might not do too much damage? I can't imagine if it had sustained at Cat 5 when it hit. Who gives a shit about poor black people down south, they're backwards anyways...they don't count as a full human being. Give me a break. I'm not saying the purposefully decided to try to kill all these people, I just believe they didn't even think about them much at all when deciding how to respond two days before the hurricane actually hit.

So I get to church fired up with deep sorrow, anger and shame. Luckily everyone was smiling (I forgot... we were at church). The cynicism was creeping in hardcore...I was ready to blast these people in my head. How can we meet to worship God and not talk about this event, not ask questions and not cry?

To my much needed suprise, God prepared a place for me. Our organist was away on vacation leaving a fill-in piano player only. If you ever go to a traditional church, you know how majestic an organ can sound compared to a piano on hymns. However, when we began to sing hymns beautifully picked out and liturgy selected to meditate on the tragedy I found myself near tears on every line. The piano sounded dead trying to play the usually majestic hymns. It reminded me of a soilder barely hanging on to life taking long desperate breaths after being critically wounded in battle, much like my faith that morning. I can't say I have ever appreciated liturgy more than that Sunday. I don't think I could ever have been able to come up with my own words during this time. Sometimes I think it takes the persepective of history to be able to speak on tragedy.
Not only that but my favorite part of Church was occuring that Sunday...holy communion. Never did communion seem to fit so perfectly. Never was I more in need of a rescue then that Sunday morning. As I took the bread and dipped it into the juice, I couldn't help but think of the irony involved with the whole situation....how I believe that I was rescued through a tragedy while grieving over a tragedy. I cried some as I sat down, prayed and thought about everything as the fill-in piano player suprised me again and played a harp during communion that sounded like tears falling from heaven.

Just remember that "the rain falls on the righteous and the wrong". That means both the "good" and "bad" people's crops are prospering from it and being destroyed by it. Don't let anyone tell you there was something especially horrible or evil about Louisiana that God was punishing.

The Cynic Speaks

2005-09-02T19:46:00.000-07:00

I hate to post this at a time like this, with a true and real natural disaster (whatever that means) going on down south but I cant hold it in any longer. I watch CNN, read some internet news and i cant help but be deeply moved by the stories and images. It takes you in, grabs your heart and forces you to feel. I can't imagine being there right now in the midst of this chaos. I can't begin to tell you how it feels to watch people die in front of me or not being able to even go to bathroom without fear of rape.

I see the reaction to people around our country. "I am ashamed of our governement" one woman from house of reps said. The governer of New Orleans said "They are spinning and we are dying." Harsh words for our government which is supposedly built of us.

I can't help but see these words turned around on those that say them. Taking nothing away from the tragedy that is happening down South, I can't help but think of the thousands of starving children around the world that no one cries for, that no one bothers to hear, that no one is speaking for. I cant help but wonder how much we are condemning ourselves by not doing something in the areas we are just ignoring. The locations we have spun so that we believe it really isn't our responsibility, the lines we hear that cause us to become numb to people dying because they are seperated by an ocean. God help us all.

Strange world of Folk

2005-08-26T15:23:00.000-07:00

Anyone that has hung out with me recently has been beaten over the head with my new obsession...folk music. I feel old even saying that. I decided to purchase a Bob Dylan greatest hits album about a month ago and completely fell in love with it. I never really heard much of Dylan growing up but I had definitly heard of him. Every once in a while I would tell someone I really liked and song and they would inform me that it was a cover of Dylans. Take 'All Along the Watchtower' for instance. I loved that song when Dave Matthews Band played it. Every time I went to a show of thiers I would always hope they played it. I knew Hendrix did it before but it wasn't until my musical historian friend Jimmy P let me in on the fact that Dylan actually wrote it. I still never decided to buy any Dylan though. It wasn't until I started finding out that a lot of my favorite artists were heavily influenced by Bob Dylan. I can't wait to get some more of his music it feels like a whole new world has been opened to me (must be read dramaticly).

Let me give you a few reasons why I think I have fallen in love with this type of music:

1. Story telling. I am a sucker for songs using story. They seem to connect with listeners much better.
2. It forces the listener to participate in the song. Normally when I listen to pop stuff I just need to sit back, relax and enjoy. Which is nice to do sometimes, but folk music brings me into something like a movie where I become part of the song and the song is no longer defined by the artist but the listener. The song's meaning is where ever it takes you. It's amazing.
3. Imagery. I feel like imagery is kind of lost in songwriting lately. We use abstract concepts in song (esp Christian) that dont take us anywhere in our imagination. I feel like we are missing out by not doing this, the imagination is the place things like music are supposed to stir up. Most music today just tries to stir up emotion, which isn't bad, but it can get monotonous and lose its effect.
4. Mystery. Folk music tends to see the world differently the most people. It usually puts a strange twist on the normal. "The answer my friend is blowin' in the wind" is a lyric by Bob Dylan, you're not quite sure what it means but something deep down understands it. Folk music is very based on reality but still holds onto the mysteries of life with questions peppered in the lyrics about the world we live in.

Don't take this too seriously, I am on a folk kick right now and I dont even have much content to listen to. Just some observations on why I am down with folk.

Langoliers

2005-08-25T14:20:00.000-07:00

Time is something that blows my mind on a consistent basis. I have never been a "watch person", I don't even remember the last time I owned a watch. I am always late to everything I attend and I don't really care. Most of my friends just figure on me being 15-20 minutes late to everything at this point. I struggle estimating time. How long will it take to eat lunch and then go to someone's house...I always seem to under estimate, even when I think I am over estimating because I know I under estimate. Not to get too spacey but what is time?

One of the moments when the concept of time really smacked me in groin was on a trip I took to Colorado. As we crossed 2 or 3 time zones (I can't remember) the whole foundation of time which I thought was so sturdy suddenly began shaking. I never really thought of time as relative but it really is. (I realize this might sound simple and obvious to some and I apologize, you can stop reading if you'd like) Now when I watch TV I wonder, is this show on at the same time in California? I think...maybe because it is 7pm here and it will be 7pm there when it is on but is it really 7pm there or is it actually 11pm like it is here? Conversations go on in my head like this for many minutes until I forget where I initially started.

Another time revelation for me was where does time go when it is over? I try to think back to a few minutes ago and it is suddenly shrunk to a moment. Even years become shrunk into a moment. How? Why? What can I do to stop this from happening? Did Jesus die and rise again only a moment ago? Or is there some place that the 2000 years of history actually exist? Is all history and time merely wrapped up in a moment? If you have ever seen The Langoliers ( I think a Michael Crichton book originally) you know what im talking about. The movie portrays people that got caught behind time, where it stopped moving and the Langoliers were behind time eating it all up. They had to figure out how to get back to the world where time is moving before the Langolier would eat them. It was a pretty bad movie but it did have a cool concept.

Anways, there are my thoughts on time for now. I hope to read a book by Brian Greene on space and time which may help me a little bit. But if anyone has answers to these questions please feel free to respond.

I thought I would add a short chorus I wrote about this topic a while ago...

"Time, time, time
where have you gone
You're always sneakin' up on me

Time, time, time
Where are you now
You're always stealin' memories"

Thought Provoker

2005-08-12T15:51:00.000-07:00

I don't have much time to write. These first two weeks of August have been pretty crazy for me, not to mention a week without the internet (stupid Comcast). I just wanted to post a thought to see if people would respond to it. We talked about this is our book club for a little bit (man, that makes me sound like a geek).

Is being "nice" always a part of love?

Now, I realize nice and love both need to be defined, but you can do that in your response.

Musical Thoughts

2005-07-26T03:23:00.000-07:00

I am a music lover. I love all kinds and sounds. So when I got the 6 CD's I ordered in the mail today, I was very happy. I am a member of BMG, which I highly suggest if you buy a lot of CD's. There really isn't any catch involved with the club. But I realize I-tunes and such are replacing CD's...sadly. One of my favorite things about music is the album. I love thematic albums (ones that have a theme or idea and explore it through different songs throughout the whole album), but that is sadly lost now that music has become synonymous with just a song. Bono (from U2) once said that U2 doesn't really make songs they make albums. I think that's why when you hear a U2 cd it is a journey from the beggining to the end. This is one reason I have an issue with pop music. They have reduced music to a chorus or 8 words. I'm not bashing pop, I have plenty of it in my collection but I sure hope we dont lose the complexity of music along with the simplicity of pop. Anyways, as I was re-arranging my cd collection to fit the new ones in, I was thinking what my top ten albums would be. So I decided to give a top 10 list of albums with a short explanation on each pick. My list changes often so don't pigeon hole me to these. The top 10 is only picked from my collection so I'm sure there are better ones out there that I dont have...

10. Jars Of Clay "Furthermore" (double cd)
Half studio and half live it includes some of the best JOC has to offer. The last song 'worlds apart' live is amazing and seems to give me chills everytime I hear it. JOC is also one of the christian culture band's I respect the most. They don't often use christian lingo or cliche phrases and they are usually singing about something instead of nothing.

9. (tie) Caedmons Call "40 Acres"/David Crowder Band "Can You Hear Us"
40 Acres is probably one of my favorite christian lyrical albums I have and seems to open things up to me evertime I hear it. It seems to keep unfolding the older it gets. David Crowder is one of the few christian culture artists I still enjoy listening to. Thier latest album "illumate" was no where near as good as this one but it was experimental which I applaud and I think thier newest is going to be better than "Can You Hear Us". They are still trying to find thier sound in some ways. I'm excited to see where they go.

8. Lifehouse "No Name Face"
This is one of those cd's that kept growing on me the more I listened to it. The lyrics are powerful and its pop sound kind of masks the depth of the songs if you actually listen to them. Thier latest cd was lacking some on depth however. Also, I am a sucker for mid-90's sound since that's when I first started listening to music more critically.

7. Switchfoot "The Beautiful Letdown"
This album went on a strange journey through christian culture. It was overly marketed at anything musical and then bashed by christian culture because it didn't mention the word Jesus in it. However, it caught on big time in secular culture. I really like thier approach to music and life, also thier albums are thematic...always a plus. They have a refreshing sound with great socratic lyrics. I'm looking foward to thier new album. I hear good things.

6. Kelly Joe Phelps "Tap the red cane whirlwind"
This guy is amazing on the guitar. He is basically a one man band. The guitar player from a band that my band plays with sometimes introduced me to him. If there was a genre called 'driving music' he would be number 1 on my list. It is music that chills me out no matter what mood I am in. It is patient music that forces me to relax and wait. He stays on parts of songs where pop music would go to a chorus, he forces you to understand the song. He's also a great story teller and is definitly more interested in getting across an emotion, idea or story then something catchy. Check out his website, he has a lot of free music.

5. Dave Matthews Band "Under the Table and Dreaming"
I have always been a DMB fan, they were my first concert and ever since I was into them. I don't get thier lyrics sometimes but the music is probably the best in the mainstream right now. It's always original and take me places emotionally. I think DMB fans would argue with my album selection but since I am a guitar person I always seem to find this as my first choice when in a DMB mood. Although almost all thier cd's are great and if you ever have a chance to see them live take it. Amazing shows.

4. Coldplay "A rush of blood to the head"
I bought this cd before I ever heard a song. I read a review on it and it sold me so much that I decided to buy it. At first I wasnt sure if I was going to like it but it grew on me like most good albums do. They are great at climactic songs. The build you up and pull you down. They have some of the most emotional music that is out there. They also sing about real things and are popish but seem to take the best of pop and throw away the worst.

3. U2 "Joshua Tree"
The album U2 found thier sound. One of the masterpieces in all of music for the past 30 years. I can't say enough about U2 and what they have done. Almost all American music is deeply influenced by them, whether they know it or not. The Edge has changed the landscape of electric guitar playing with the use of effects. The whole cd is amazing and there isn't much to say besides amazing.

2. Our Lady Peace "Spiritual Machines"
Another band that a review influenced me on. The album is about the spiritual bankrupcy in America and our generation. It talks about being lost, lonely and darkness. It uses machines to compare us with since the loss of our souls leave us not much more than machines. They are not Christian, which I really like since it doens't have alot of the cliche lyrics and sound. "Gravity" was the album before this and is good as well but they definitly find thier sound on this one and the lyrics are better done. I can't say enough about this album, I wish more were made like it. They are coming out with a new album at the end of August...whoo hoo!

1. U2 "Achtung Baby"
My favorite U2 cd. It was Joshua Tree for a while but the more I listen to "Achtung Baby" the more I fall in love with it. Once again, being a guitar guy, this is Edges best work and he really controls the whole cd. I have never heard more emotion coming through a guitar and Bono does a great job in capturing the guitar with his best lyrics. You can hear a confidence that they have found thier sound and know what they are doing. They took 3 years off after 'Rattle and Hum' to make this album because they questioned thier sound from 'Rattle and Hum'. I don't know if any albums will ever be better than this in my lifetime in my own unproffesional opinion.

notables: Our Lady Peace "Gravity", the rest of my U2 collection, Derek Webb "She must and shall go free", The Killers "Hot Fuss", Jars of Clay "Who we are instead", Starfield "Self Titled", Counting Crows, Tupac

Tropical Light

2005-07-18T15:28:00.000-07:00

I was messing around taking pictures of light through different glass and after I downloaded them into my computer I realized something different about this picture. It looks like there is a tropical fish made of pure light swimming around in the darkness. I think it's my favorite picture that I have taken now. Just thought I would share it with anyone interested. Check out my webshots page for more glass and light photos.

iPod users check this out

2005-07-15T16:48:00.000-07:00

Iis this true? Does ipod really have a dirty little secret? Or is this anti-apple propoganda? I would like to know since I have been debating buying an ipod.

Sports

2005-07-15T15:43:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or does the AL get more coverage on ESPN then the NL in baseball? I suppose they might deserve it since they always seem to win the all star game, but it still bothers me. Any thoughts on why this is?

Five and a half pounds

2005-07-12T02:04:00.000-07:00

Some things in life that change you immensely come about completely unexpected. They hit you before you see them coming and even afterwards you aren't quite sure what happened. Things like realizing you are in love, someone close to you dying or even car accidents. They are all things we know exist and should even expect in life but never really anticipate. They always seem to come at times we are least looking for them. Life always tends to hit us below the waist when we're not expecting it to.

Recently I have added another thing on this list. Babies. No I didn't have any babies...but someone very close to me did, my brother and sister-in-law, as a matter of fact they had twins...identical. I was the type of person who never "got" babies. I didn't understand why everyone thought they were cute or 'precious'. They always seemed to be sloppy messes that were no fun. You have to change them, burp them, feed them, entertain them etc...it just sounded like too much work for me. I would even say that I didn't want kids at one point. Besides the fact that they are a ton of work, the responsibility involved with raising another human being seemed too much to bear for me. You could do everything right as a parent and your child could still end up being a nutcase axe murderer, that wasn't a comforting thought for me. Not to mention the world I would subject a new child to. Sometimes I'm not sure if I want to live in this world, let alone bring another life into it. Babies...blah!

Yes I do have a heart...somewhere. And no I'm not a baby hater, this is a story of change remember. I think God did a good job with baby planning. She (meaning God and since were talking about babies I figure I'll go with the female label) gave us 9+ months to prepare for this huge change in our lives. You have to figure, it's God...She could just made it so the babies popped out right after the sperm hit the egg. Boy, that would of been crazy. Spring break would never be the same, girls and guys would have to get a bunch of extra tickets to fly home with their new bundles of joy from Cancun. Anyways back to the story...Unfortunately for me, I didn't use my grace period of 9 months well. I pushed the thought of uncle Drew out of my head and didn't want to comprehend the change that would occur in our families, especially since babies tend to be ripple effects. First a brother then a cousin then a freind and so on until everyone you know has a kid except you...kind of like weddings.

However, I still remember the moment I layed eyes on Nate and Noah when I went to the hospital to visit them for the first time. It was an odd feeling. One, like I said earlier, that hit me so unexpectedly yet so naturally. I suppose the best way to describe it is to say if felt like 'life'. I felt, for the first time, that I was holding all of what life was meant to be in my arms, weighing in at only 5 and a half pounds. Suddenly the world stopped turning and everything turned into a dream state. You know what I'm talking about if you've ever been in love or in a car accident, reality and dream become hard to distinguish between. So I sat there holding 5 and a half pounds of life changing baby in my arms just trying to soak in the moment and completely let myself feel the small eyes penetrate my hard cold heart. I never realized how cold my heart has become until my nephew looked into it. It's hard to understand how something so small could break through a wall that I have been building for 23 years from the pain of life just trying to keep out enough reality to hold onto my sanity. In my macho man state I just stared back trying my best not to cry, not that I had much of a choice the eyes were like tractor beams. Maybe it was because looking into the eyes of a newborn is about the closest we will ever get to looking at pure innocence, love and fearlessness. I have worked hard at becoming a "man" but as I stared into those innocent eyes I realized my life was full of escapism, fear and hate, everything I didn't want to be. I saw myself more clearly in the eyes of this small child than in any mirror.

I'm not really the type of person who misses people, even close people. There are instances but on the whole I don't usually have deep longings to see people I know all that much. However, somehow these tiny babies who can't even hold their own heads up, let alone talk, have reached deep into my soul and aren't letting go. If anything, the hold is getting tighter and tighter. So about 3 months have passed now and I am now beggining to "get" babies. I tend to be a slow learner with the concrete in life, as opposed to the abstract. It really is amazing when the beauty of life hits you. You remember why you are still alive.

Reflections on my day

2005-07-07T01:26:00.000-07:00

As I sit in my car while driving to the church I work at, my mind begins to wander off to weird places. Who am I really? Why have I really decided to choose full time ministry as a profession? How much do I really believe of what I so often preach? These questions nag me at the very time I usually spend in prayer for the youth I minister to. Should I just push the question away and pray or let them saturate my mind for a while?

While stopped at a red light I look over at the car next to me. It happens to be a good looking female. My posture suddenly changes and I don't remember where I am supposed to put my hands...on the wheel, out the window or on my lap. I quickly become aware of the fact I haven't showered yet and my hair still has that "just got out of bed" look, where the right side of my hair is all standing up. I also think to myself "my left profile is not my good side" as I try to fix my hair without looking like I am. I never did catch her name but her posture never seemed to change when she saw me...

After four days of dogsitting my brothers dog I realize I have a lot less patience then I thought I did. I get annoyed when she licks me, barks at anything or even just wants to go to the bathroom. I yank the chain way too often as I take her for walks and don't want to change my schedule for her at all. I hope I'm not like this with my kids some day...

I plan on finishing up a book I started a few days ago after youth group is over. I end up watching FX's 30days for an hour then MTV's pimp my ride instead. I want to get up early and do some work tomorow morning but I figure I'll just sleep till 11 or noon instead. I plan on getting some work done for church rightnow but end up writing in my blog about nothing.

Sorry if this was too journalish for anybody, I just felt like I had nothing else to write about.

Great News!!

2005-06-24T09:41:00.000-07:00

Rob Bell is coming out with a book. It's called Velvet Elvis

August 1st...

velvet elvis is a metaphor for something outdated by the way

Random Nostalgic Thoughts

2005-06-22T09:31:00.000-07:00

As I was cleaning my room the other day I ran across some old letters from freinds that I have not seen in a while. It seems that the older I get the more important memories become. I find it hard to remember who I was a few years ago without something or someone reminding me. I find it hard to remember how ignorant of the world I was. I find it hard to remember how ignorant of the world I am now. For some reason as life moves on we forget who we were in the process of becoming who we are. I think this can be a dangerous thing since who we were directly affects and has shaped who we are.

About a year ago I did some work in an alzheimer's unit in a retirement center. When I first walked in I felt completely useless. They couldn't hold a conversation or even remember a few easy facts about me and couldnt evenremember how to go to the bathroom. Every week I would go, the same conversation would start over again with a few imagined facts thrown in by the patients, such as me being married to someone they know or something. I wondered if it did any good to really go there and talk to people who would have no memory of it after I left. I wondered if it was really helping them for me to explain who I am, where I am from and how old I am every week. I don't have a nice ending from that place, I still wonder if I did anything at all there that was helpful but I did learn the significance of memories there. Without them we tend to be lost as humans.

I also used to really be down on History in school. Maybe because I had one of the worst teachers of my whole schooling but I think it was because of the whole theory on why they told us history was important. "If you dont learn history it will repeat itself." I used to always think, "well it doesnt seem to be working...wars, rape, genoicide, homicide, child molestation are all still happening even with history being taught in schools". So I used to just see history as a pointless subject with some interesting stories. I have come to realize now, however, that we are doomed to fail as humans not because of lack of history but because thats who we are failures. History is not about not failing but about finding out who we are. There was always this 'us and them' distinction when talking about people of the past. It made the whole learning process disconnected to me. As I look at history now we are all the same people. I find that humans are all failures and conquerors, we all have faith and doubts, we all want truth and knowledge and all us search for meaning.

2005-06-21T00:42:00.000-07:00

I'm such the mountain man haha

2005-06-21T00:40:00.000-07:00

Trying this photo blog thingy out

Bikes

2005-06-18T12:43:00.000-07:00

You know... I used to be a fan of bikes. We were cool, never had any real problems. They got me places faster than I could walk and I would fill their tires when they would start going flat. Only that whole relationship changed this week. For some reason, the unspoked bond between bycicles and I was shattered. I dont know if it will ever be reconciled, there is still hope but it seems to be a long road. One that, honestly, I am just not sure I feel like traveling.

It all started in the blink of an eye. We were getting along fine. I road the white bomber (a white beach bike) down to the beach and locked her up. Leaving her all safe and sound with a nice view of the ocean and everything. When I returned to her she completely flipped out. Now mind you I admit that I might have looked at another bike on the rack rather enviously but it didnt really mean anything. As I mounted the white bomber I quickly realized the front tire was flat. As I started to walk the bike back the 6 blocks to the shore house in 90+ degree weather I saw that there was a screw lodged in the front tire. I smelled foul play right away. I couldnt just pull the screw out, I had to unscrew it out...seemed fishy.

If that was it, I might have just let it slide. However, as I pulled out another bike to ride it todayto the beach, the front tire was low and the seat was low. So I pulled out the tools to raise the bike seat only to find out the screw was rusted and wouldn't budge. Not to mention the bugs all up on me and the sunny day calling me to the beach. So I put that bike back and get out the bike with the oddest seat you have ever seen. The seat consists of two oval like pads that, I swear, are only there to cause immense pain to the buttox area. I then finally pull out a good one and give the pain in the butt bike to my freind Nate, who looks like he has a bad case of hemroids when he rode the bike.

Later that evening Nate and I decided we wanted to go out to eat so I again grab the one good bike (out of 5 that are usually rideable). Nate decided to try the low seat and low front tire bike instead of the pain in the butt bike this time. As Nate pulls out on his low rider I start to follow only to find out that my chain has fallen off. Mind you, this would just be considered normal except that the bike knew I was trying to get to diner and you cant get the chain back on without getting your fingers a complete mess. So I fix the chain and my fingers are all kinds of greased up. I then have to try to find something that will wash it off. A hose didnt work so then I had to get paint thinner and wash it off. To top it all off, I ended up getting a sandwhich and fries which I had to eat with paint thinner cleaned hands.

Moral of the story: Keep your eyes out, I think the bikes are trying to take over humans, they are tired of being our slaves

Distance

2005-06-05T09:49:00.000-07:00

Im sitting at the Diner with friends I have had for years now, but I feel like a stranger and out of place. I feel like I have walked into a movie about a third of the way through, where everyone knows whats going on but me. I dont want to be rude and ask whats going on or talk about where I have been because I know it's always boring for the other person to listen to what a fun time they didn't have. So I just sat there pretending to fit in and be normal.

Spending 12 days camping, hiking, rock climbing and white water rafting with the same people does something to you (also spending 32 hours in the same van with the same people does something to you). As I returned from my trip to Colorado and assimlated back into my normal routine I realized something... home and friends didnt feel like home and friends anymore. I'm sure they quickly will again but isn't it odd how such a short time away from the regular brings about such distance? I wonder how many other things I have left because of a short time away and the work it takes to bridge the distance every time..

Excuses

2005-05-21T11:54:00.000-07:00

If anyone is wondering where the blog entries have been here is your answer. May is a trip month for me this year. I just returned from Boston and am leaving for Colorado tomorow for 12 days. So don't expect anything soon. But hopefully this trip will insipire some thoughts from me. See you in two weeks.

The Cost of Avoidance

2005-05-11T22:36:00.000-07:00

I have noticed something recently about American culture (including Christians). I assume it goes on around the world also but I have no proof of that since I have never been exposed to much culture outside of my own. What I noticed is that one of our main goals in culture is to avoid pain at all costs.

When I first saw the movie The Village I absolutely loved it. I wasn't quite sure why however. Now, after a year or so, i think i understand. The intriguing plot line involved a huge effort to create a utopia. Of course, the definition of the utopia was a place that got rid of pain as much as possible. However, the utopia failed and the village realized pain is something that can't be run away from.

Interestly, the idea of running away from pain is something our culture has not come to realize is impossible. In fact, it's not only impossible, it never even results in the expected outcomes. Christianity is a religion that embraces pain. Even if thats not what you see on TV, it is what you will see when you take a look at Jesus' life...especially the cross. Dont get me wrong, I am not saying it calls its followers to chase after pain but only to embrace it when it comes, because it will come. It even seems the result of embracing the pain when it is greatest is the religions greatest growth, idividually and corporatley.

I have noticed in myself that I often buy into the lie that comfort is where the "good life" lies. But as soon as I take the path of comfort and safety I find myself with a sense of decay within and complete numbness. I think pain is a direct result of the fall of humanity but it seems God can even use our greatest fall for good. I love that I follow a God that decided to embrace human pain himself and show that the "good life" does not come from seeking sensual pleasures for the self.

C.S. Lewis said that one of our greatest errors as humans is that we often chase after secondary pleasures as firsts. Such as seeking after sex as a first. Sex was never intended to be seeked after as a first only a second within the context of love as a first. There is a still a good feeling when seeking sex as a first but it will never be satisfying outside of it's context of love. This is why the more you have sex the more you find you need it because it didnt do what it was supposed to do. Love involves pain and heartache, something we run from...sex by itself involves no effort which results in no lasting pleasure. Another one is freedom, we chase after individual freedom of choice as a first and find we become slaves to the choices we made. Freedom is can only be truly found in self-sacrifice.

Be wary of any Christian that claims pain will not be an integral part of your life. One of the great things I find about following Christ is that pain is not something I am afraid of or have to run from but something that I can embrace whole heartedly because I know what it produces. As a matter of fact, beware of anything or anyone that tells you they will take away the pain. Whenever we take away the pain we take away true pleasure, because true pleasure tends to come about after pain in my life.

Stop trying to run, you can never outrun pain.

It Has Come

2005-05-10T11:02:00.000-07:00

Ahhhhhhh......it feels so good, almost like I am floating.

Quote

2005-05-05T01:06:00.000-07:00

No the Day of Relief has not come yet but I thought I might leave you with a recent quote to ponder, feel free to comment on it...

"People don't usually believe something because it's proved, but because it's better." ---K. Sparks

Day of Relief

2005-05-03T18:33:00.000-07:00

I am currently in the season of finals. There is no other time like it for a college student. Every part of your life becomes consumed with studying, writing and sleeping (at least trying to). Some students that have slacked off find themselves with a workload heavy enough to kill a horse while others have prepared ahead of time and seem calm on the surface. Colleges become like caves and people are not seen for days. When it is all over there is no better feeling. Even if a test turns out to beat you like a red headed step child there is still a sense of relief that starts lifting off your shoulders. I keep thinking of that feeling as I study. So just to let you know why there havent been many posts lately, I have been in my cave and will be for a while longer. So until the day of relief, you will have to live without reading many posts. Wish me luck.

The Battle of Acme

2005-04-21T17:51:00.000-07:00

I'd like to recount a war story for you. A story where there can only be one winner. A battle so fierce only one could walk away proud. It is the account of the war in Acme on April 19 2005 at approximatly 11:00 pm .

It was a normal night, maybe a little warm for the time of year, but nothing that would anticipate the battle about to ensue. The two opponents didn't know each other before their chance encounter on this humid night but a fierce rivalry would quickly develop . There was no preperation, no strategies, no plan... only reaction.

I had gone to only buy 2 things: the tasty treats called ritz s'mores and a bucket (don't ask). I didn't come asking for trouble, but trouble seems to find me...always has. I have what some people would call an 'edge', something that just attracts confrontation. I don't mind usually, however, on this night I was hoping to have a calm normal night.

I quickly found my two items of choice and was in the process of locating what I thought was the quickest cashier line. Only 2 lines were open at this time of the night, both having lines that snaked out past the tabloids which people were so engrossed in. I decided to try something new, I had only once previously attempted this feet and was successful, however the light shone with a disdaining brightness in aisle 1 mocking me with words of "self-checkout". There was a reason there was no one there, they had all been defeated by the beast previously, standing there shamefully waiting for an employee to come help them figure out how that darn contraption works... I know, I've seen them standing there dazed, beaten, confused, defeated. Men have lost thier manhood there and women have lost children while battling the beast. However, on this fateful night, I decided to grab my sling with a few stones and approach Goliath confidently.

I thought to myself, "Only two items, this will be a sintch". I forgot that pride can cause defeat before one even starts. Little did I know Self-Checkout was an in ornery mood this night, maybe no one was challenging him. I start by opening the white plastic Acme bag up so that I can just place the bucket in after I scan it (the trick is never moving the material once you place it on the weighted mat). This time, however, Self-Checkout wouldn't let me by so easily. As I opened the bag the words "do not remove item" shouted back at me. I quickly took guard pushing cancel. It didn't work Self-Checkout repeated his phrase with even more contempt "do not remove item!". I try pushing cancel again...this time success! I had hoped this would defeat the enemies spirit but it seemed to make him even more irritatble.

I begin the checkout process by scanning the bucket (once again don't ask why I needed a bucket at 11pm at night). It scanned with ease, my confidence was up, and I quickly place it in the already opened bag but I make a huge tactical mistake. I don't place it in the bag completely and it falls out onto the mat. At this point I knew that the tide had changed, Self-Checkout had made his move. I hastily put the bucket in the bag, but it's too late as I hear "do not remove item from bag". The screen has a red circle with a line through it denoting that I have been struck and am bleeding. My confidence is faltering at this point. I try picking the bucket up and placing it back in with hopes Self-Checkout will be thrown off guard by this unrecommended move. He isn't, he just mocks me again with "do not remove item from bag" in, what this time, sounds almost like a laugh.

It was at this point I noticed an Acme employee watching the whole battle. He had a dissapointing look on his face that said "I thought this one had a chance". As he meandered his way over, allowing me time to come up with an excuse why I was defeated so quickly, I thought to myself "until next time Self-Checkout...until next time". He had thrown in the towel for me, he didnt want me to end up like Apollo Creed in Rocky IV. The portly fellow quickly pushed some buttons on his computer and my screen no longer had the red circle with a line throught it laughing at me. He then came over as I slowly backed away from my enemy and finished my checkout. He was extremely nice with a smile on his face, not a mocking one but one that gave the feeling of "you're not the only one son, there have been many before and there will be many after". I never could look him in the eyes, but I graciously accepted his consolation. I think a small part of my manhood is still in that Acme. It is not lost forever, only temporarly till I decide to battle the beast again. Until that day... I will be training.

Untitled

2005-04-14T12:59:00.000-07:00

I watched a video on Mother Teresa the other day. If you ever read or hear anything about this amazing woman you are always left feeling very small and insignificant. She didn't speak too much in the documentary but almost everything she said was "quotable".

One thing I thought was interesting was that she said whatever vocation you are called into you must serve God. If anyone else would have said this, it would have gone in one ear and out the other. However, when Mother Teresa speaks...you must listen. She said "if you are called to live in a palace you must serve God in a palace, if you are called to be poor and work in Calcutta you must serve God in your poverty...however you must never aspire to live in a palace or even be in poverty but merely serve God".

As this quote sunk in (I cant remember the next 10 minutes of the video) I thought is that really true? Obviously the first answer is yes and I think that is correct but in a way isnt being poor a blessing. I tend to know many more poor people who are fervent in thier trust and faith in Jesus than those that are wealthy and living in our $200,000 palaces. In poverty we become stripped of all our tangible gods (money, fame, security, entertainment etc) and we are left with nothing to trust except the invisible God. While in wealth we are surrounded by many things to place our trust in that are easily destroyed by moths. Is living a "harder life" actually easier in the eyes of Christianity? And if so...why are hardly any of us doing it then?

I think Mother Teresa's quote is absoulely true. However I also think we, in America, use quotes like that to justify our wealth. Is America really 'called' to be the place where 90% + of all the wealth in the world resides*. Are we really chasing God's calling in our lives or are we chasing worldly securities? The biggest voice in my head says "I am no Mother Tersea, I am mild mannered Andrew with no super strengths or super faith". Mother Teresa was no super woman or faith, she was no Jesus, she was merely a person who loved or as she put it "it is His (Jesus') love in action through us" (something she mentioned about 10 times in the video)

Christ's love in action through us just might be the kingdom come.

*not sure about that number but I do know its rediculous

Springtime bliss

2005-04-10T02:15:00.000-07:00

I love it...the smell, sounds, colors, life. Coming out of winter and into spring is one of the best feelings of the year. The frowns of winter are now all turned upside down. Today is one of those days you wish you could bottle up and open when things go wrong. On days like this there isnt much that can bring you down. I love the way the light just seems to supply the music for everything to dance to. Kind of like the conductor of a great orchestra leading his/her musicians to a near perfect dance of notes and instruments. The flowers are blooming, the birds are singing and the animals are dancing...everything seems in harmony. There are all kinds of analogies that I could bring up here, but as the Gribbmister once said "I'm just going to enjoy this"...see you oustide! (you can picture me prancing in long grass if it'll make you smile)

Pope

2005-04-05T19:47:00.000-07:00

I found this link ( http://desperatehouseflies.blogspot.com/ ) today as I was blog fishing. Very interesting article on how the next Pope will be elected. As a non-catholic I was curious of the process. It is under April 5th's blog.

The Real World

2005-04-04T18:01:00.000-07:00

So I've been waiting around for my brother to have twins. It is a very odd feeling. I have moments of excitement, fear, anxiety and everything in between. Part of me still doesnt believe it is actually going to happen...Im not old enough to have a brother who is having twins. They should be popping out any day now. Everytime my phone rings I think its going to be my brother and when he calls I always assume its with news on the babies. Most of all everytime the phone rings I think that this shouldnt be me in this situation.

Im only 22 years old (well about to be 23), why does it feel like I'm so old. I am about to graduate college! I still remember when college seemed like some distant land in a fairy tale. I assume everyone goes through this stage of uncertainty when they are coming to the end of anything familar and moving into new territory. I still don't plan on entering what people like to call "the real world" since seminary seems to be my next fairy tale land.

I really am scared to enter into this supposed 'real world'. I have seen many people die in that world. Yeah, they still walk and talk but they arent the same living person they were when they entered into that dark world. I see them smile less, laugh a little bit differently, dress tighter and even talk about finances and marriage often. I dont know what it is about this 'real world', since I have never been there, that changes you but I am content in not thinking of finances or dressing any differently yet. I often wonder if I am alone in my convictions. It seems like most people want to get to the 'real world'. I am in no rush, I am actually rebelling and trying not to enter in ever but I doubt I will be successfull.

I've met a few people who have resisted successfully. They enter the 'real world' but are not killed by it. I know of one such man who seems to only visit the 'real world' from 9-5pm Monday through Friday. He seems different he is old but he seemed to still be alive. His mind still seems to wonder, he seems open to change, he still seems able to laugh and doesnt seem to be beaten down by the hours spent in that dreaded 'real world'. Maybe one day I will ask him his secret. How can I live in the 'real world' but never actually be killed by it? How can I avoid the soul snatching that goes on there? Is there some trick?

Well for now, I will continue my rebellion against this place called 'real world' in hopes that I might stay alive. I am contemplating re-naming myself NEO for the sake of being dramatic.

Power Struggle

2005-03-18T16:26:00.000-08:00

(just want to put a disclaimer that this is different than most of my posts)

I live near Philly and a hot topic right now is the 'right to smoke'. As I was driving home today I noticed an amusing bumper sticker that said "At least I can still smoke in my car". I cracked a smile at it and it really made me wonder about the whole push to ban smoking from all public places in Philadelphia. It already exists in all of New York and that state didn't fall apart but I think I am for freedom of the business to decide. (fyi: the ban recently got voted down)

However, this post isnt so much about the proposed ban but about who rules who: Consumer, Business, or Government. It's probably not fair to pick any of these as the sole power, because they all interact together, but I would still like to explore this issue quickly.

Consumer: We essentially have the power to vote and to choose what to buy thus giving us power over government and business. However, business and government are both smarter entities then consumers and have long spun truth to get us to do their agenda and we can only buy what they present and only vote for those on the ballot. Our democracy almost hurts itself because our lack of unity as people without government results in a useless attempt to fight against the machine, thus forcing us to choose one of the canidates on the ballot. Take for instance this election, I really didnt like either major canidate but I chose one because I know placing a name in the ballot would of been useless. Since we'll be using smoking as our example lets see how this plays out. Consumer's know that smoking is harmful to their health, most likely deadly, but we keep doing it. Why? Maybe because business has done such a good job promoting it as something that we need. The government even underestimated the cunningness of the business to lead the consumer when they added the warning to the packet and commercial ads to deter the consumer...win goes to business.

Government: They are considered by most to have the power over anything else but I tend to not think it is that simple. Government is done on a voting process and to get into government you need grants and support...who is the support? Business and consumers, mostly business monetarily. So government officials are often paid by the ones they are voting to do something about. Lets look at smoking again...A billion dollar industry, the government has ads about the harmfulness of it yet keep it legal. Why? Because they are supported by this big business and to just cut it out would result in massive job loss, tax loss and consumer outcry (loss of votes). So even though they recognize it as something they do not want they are 'forced' to keep it alive.

Business: I lean towards the idea that this group has the quiestest control (not nessecarily the most just the quietest). We have already looked at few aspects of what part business has of the power pie but let's look at another aspect. Where do consumers get the money to buy from business? The business itself. So in a way the business regulates the consumer's needs and wants, not to mention advertising. I recognize I am talking about business like it is a person but in a way they do work together while the same time against each other, so I am going to place business as one entity. Let us look at smoking one final time. Business knows it is harmful yet keeps selling it. Why? Because the end goal is to make money (not saying this is bad just the way it is, Im not sure it is fair to ask business to change their theory). Business recognizes that it takes money to make money so they spend and spend to lead us where they can sell things to us, and spend money to government so they leave them alone. So business power is mostly based in the money aspect.

Whats all this mean? I dont really know. But i wanted to work this out and it wasnt going anywhere in my head. I'm still not sure who has the most power, probably none and I suppose thats good. I think the best way to look at it is like a water cycle. All aspects feed into each other to keep the others alive. Feel free to make your hypothesis' in the comment area.

For Real?

2005-03-17T20:04:00.000-08:00

I was recently inspired by an blog from Real Live Preacher (see right hand side RLP) entitled "telling the truth". It brought me to the realization that I really am, still, deeply self-decieved. There are things I believe about myself that just aren't true. I wasnt going to post this because it might look like an attempt to look more godly by saying I am not. But I finally decided to because I am also afraid to post it. If I am afraid to post it, that means there are things in there that people who read this probably believe about me that aren't true. So I've decided to put it up. However, I also run the disclaimer that part of the "looking more godly" could still be a motivation and for that I apologize and ask you to look beyond it in hopes that it may make you feel uncomftorable and inspire you to be honest with yourself.

Honesty, its something I believe that I am most of the time but I want to write about myself no holds bar. Take away all the crap that people see, all the falsities that people believe, all the things I want people to think of me and leave the real me, the ugly bruised, scared, lonely me. I don’t think I even know sometimes what it real and what is a lie. Its not that I am a person who cant stop lying its just that I always tend to lie to myself about who I am. I am deeply sef-decieved.

I love to get praise. I love it when you tell me I did a good job. It feels good like a pet on the ego. I think I do a lot of things for your praise, sometimes even leading worship music in church. I know its sad, and I will deny it to you that this is true but when you say good job I take it in and don’t give it back to Jesus all too often.

I love to be right and sound smart. I will be right at all costs: your feelings, emotions, truth and pain. I really don’t care if I hurt you in the process I just don’t want my pride to get damaged. I believe I know more than you, even though I know I don’t. I believe you have more to learn from me that I have to learn from you. I would much rather talk then listen!

I love to look humble. I know the right things to say and the right way to act so that you will think I am more godly than you.

I don’t really care about you. I will pretend to listen and care about what you have to say but in reality my mind is drifting because it really doesn’t interest me that much. My feelings are hardly ever affected by what you say and I am barely ever moved to change who I am because of what you tell me.

I am afraid. Im afraid this is all just lie and my life is really meaningless. I am afraid to tell you the truth and to show you the real me. I am afraid to live with faith. I am afraid to get out of this comftorable boat. I am afraid to trust. I am afraid to give up control. I am afraid to let you hold me. I am afraid to stop moving. I am afraid to question.. I am afraid to look at myself. I am afraid to move forward. I am afraid of love. I am afraid to lose control. I am afraid God is real. Im afraid God isnt real. I am afraid of sacrifice. I am afraid of what God has in store for me. I am afraid we are alone.

Who cares...

2005-03-14T18:08:00.000-08:00

Decisions, actions, implications, consequences, feelings, thoughts, fears, failures, success', words, misunderstandings, love, faith, hope...it's life and sometimes I hate it. It's more complicated then any formula, too many variables to ever figure it out and too many questions to ever answer. So why bother? Why bother thinking about these things, why take the time to do something which you will never finish? Why not just live the way that makes you most happy at any moment?

It seems odd to me that we consistently choose the unanswerable questions to tackle and the insurmountable tasks to overcome. Why not just always take the easy road? Some do, I don't think I know any but I assume there are people who don't ask the hard questions and always take the easiest path (although I doubt any of them would read my blog).

It is an interesting dichotemy between a desire to acheive and the desire for sloth. I think most people have battles between the two; wanting to do good at school but not wanting to study hard, wanting a good relationship but not wanting to sacrifice anything, wanting a deeper Christian life but not putting time into spiritual disciplines. Almost every decision I make, I find myself at this crossroad. Do I want it enough to give up of myself? But if I give up myself what am I gaining....my real self, peace, joy?

I dont really know but maybe our joys are messed up from what our culture presents us. Maybe what we really want isnt to feel good in the moment but to seek after the greater things in life such as sacrifice, accomplishement, creating, love, faith. None of these things are 'easy' but when they happen, when you give up yourself for someone else, when you work hard as you can on a paper, when a teacher challenges you and you find out you could do it...those are the times I sense a deeper lasting joy. Whenever I choose sloth, an empty feeling always seems to reside in me, a soft voice of failure and regret. One of these days maybe I'll really learn that sloth is never what I am seeking after...even in the moment.

A compromise

2005-03-10T20:04:00.000-08:00

I have long been a hater of 'radio'. This is coming from someone who loves music and every chance I get will listen to it. I never listen tothe radio in the car, hate it when people have it on in the car, and really don't know any stations that I like. I have long waged a war against the radio, boycotting it from my life whenever I have a chance for about 3 years now. I would rather go silent in the car before turning on the radio anymore. Well something has happened recently, I have found something close enough to radio that I might have been turned back to it. Launchcast on yahoo! has pulled me in. I dont know if its that I get to rate music, artist and album or that they actually play what I list highly but it is the best thing in radio I have come across yet. You need to get an account to have your own station but its worth it, even if a 30 second commercial is played every 5 songs or so. If I don't like the song I even get to skip foward (after I rank it low). No, im not employed by these people and no I dont give recommendations out easily. Check it out if you also hate radio but need some music on your computer that varies. Some problems do exist...as my cousin mike put it "Stupid thing doesnt support OS X!!!" I also can't seem to run it from Mozilla Firefox and lastly it does sometimes play music that I have no clue why, but I can skip over it. If anyone figures out the Firefox issue let me know.

Launch

Help

2005-03-09T02:04:00.000-08:00

I need some help on a song I've been working on. It is based on Romans 8, at the end where Paul talks about nothing being able to seperate us from God's love. I figure the more input the better. I realize you dont know the melody, but its 7 syllables then 5 in the verses and thats where I need help. So join in with your creative voices after you read Romans 8. Here is what i have so far:

Nothing can seperate us
Nothing can keep Your love away

There is no mountain too high
no valley too low
There is no river too wide
no ocean to deep
There is no power too strong
no frailty too weak

Memories

2005-03-01T19:40:00.000-08:00

Memories are an interesting thing. Why do certain ones stick with us while others stay no longer than a few moments? What about some story or fact catches our attention enough to store it in a place we consider important enough to recall anytime we want?

As I was talking with a friend today we got on the topic of our high school sports days. Ahhh, the memories. Most of my memories involve volleyball since that was the sport I was really focused on. It's funny which parts I remember, there arent many memories of specific moments, more just the overall picture of how much I enjoyed it. There are the few that stick out where I remember doing something well, and the few where I remember doing something ...umm not so well. I also remember the bus rides, the jokes, the lockeroom pranks, the horrible coaching, the goofy teamates and learning how to lead.

It's not like I sit around thinking "oh those were the days", it's just makes me think of who I am. In a way, I am the sum of my memories. What sort of identity would we have without memories? I once heard that a goldfish's memory is so short that after one swim around the bowl it has forgotten everything it started with, interesting. ..

Deer vs. Pools

2005-02-25T18:20:00.000-08:00

As I was sitting out on my back porch/sun room doing some study. I had an interesting visit. Four deer decided to come by and say hi, although ever so cautiously. I just recently moved to this new location and this is still a new experience for me. It isn't the first time deer have stopped by but it still leaves me in awe watching them.

It made think about how much we are missing out with the suburban sprawl. My backyard consists of a forrest no bigger then 2 city blocks but inhabits all kinds of interesting creatures. Most backyards now are the end of other peoples backyards. It doesnt take much to allow nature its space.

Ialso wondered why the deer chose my yard. Do I have extra delicous bushes? Probably not, but as I looked over to my left and right both the yards were fenced in leaving my yard as the only open feeding ground. They both have pools so the law requires fences, but is that luxury worth the cost of an intimate experience with nature, with which we are wired to be a part of? We erect fences to keep out the animals from our gardens as the worms fertilize our soil, we have bug catchers in our yards but kill every spider we see, do you see the irony? Im not saying we should live on grass and dirt but maybe we should rethink some of the technologies we concieve of to keep us away from that dirty, messy and ugly thing called nature. It seems like the more technologies the more problems.

The myth that nature is some seperate entity from us has left us losing our identity as humans for years. Reread God's first command in Genesis to us, we seem pretty connected to me.

**I urge you to read Ishmael if this topic interests you at all

Jesus! Be Nice!

2005-02-22T21:17:00.000-08:00

I have to get something off my chest. It's been bothering me for some time now. I apologize if I come off as a cynical know-it-all in this blog but it is my one place I feel safe to express my frustrations and anger, especially with American Evangelical Christianity (God, I hate that term). There is no one that is going to completely misunderstand me and get mad because of the 'fear of change', there is no one that is going to argue with me without ever trying to see my point of view and there is no one that is going to claim I am not a christian because of some things I believe (ok well maybe the last one might happen, but I'm ok with that).

Getting to the point... If you're going to school for ministry you get fed a lot of information and most of the time it just goes in without ever being processed because there is just so much of it. This field loves to cram as much information as possible in you without giving you the opportunity to reflect on it (not saying this is a bad thing, it's just is the way schools work now). The positive side of this is you end up with alot of head knowledge with facts, figures, and models; the negative side is you're not completely sure how it all fits together or even how to apply it to real life. As it fate would have it, a piece of information slipped into the relfection area of my brain and guess what? I didn't like the results.

The line I read was "Always give generous praise to those around you". Something didn't seem right, usually I will just keep reading because of the massive amount I need to get done but this time I decided to ponder it. Did Jesus contantly heap praise on his disciples? Well I dont see much evidence of it in the gospels or the letters. In fact most the letters were written because people were screwing up not doing well. So why do all these different books and people keep telling me the same thing...give out praise to people. A word of warning: I will probablly swing this pendulum pretty far in the other direction to prove a point.

Here is my hypothesis: a simple answer...because we all love praise from each other, so if we give it we'll get some back. It's true but is it really Christian? The Bible says to exort and encourage but I dont find any reference to heaping praise on each other. John even talks about the Pharisees loving the praise of men more then God (12:43). In Ephesians we are told to "live for the praise of Christ"...not man (1:12). In 1 Peter we are told "govenors are sent to praise those who do right", but we still have not been commanded to dole out praise (2:14). 1 Thessalonians tells us to "encourage and build up one another" which is close and is probably what is being perverted.

I think it's nessecary to distinguish between praise and encourage. Here are the three definitions given by webster for encourage : 1. to inspire with courage, spirit or hope 2. to spur on 3. to give help or patronage to. I wish I knew Greek but I don't so English is what I am going to work with. Here is the definition for praise: 1. to express a favorable judgement of 2. to glorify by attribution of perfections. Hopefully my point is starting to become clear. We like to choose praise over encouragement because it makes us feel good, wanted, accepted, warm n fuzzy, important...it pets our ego and boy do we love to purr. I don't think this is what the author ever intended in 1 Thess. However I think this is what the authors intended in Ephesians and John, they knew the dangers of petting the ego, we become addicted to it.

I'm advised to pet the ego of the volunteers so they'll stick around, not because the B-i-b-l-e tells me so. If anything I find more passages warning people of the consequences of thier negative actions. Pastors arn't supposed to do that now-a-days, they are supposed to smile and be nice. "Lovely solo during the offering Sally", "Great job on that prayer Tim"...thats what you'll usually hear after a service. I don't know if there is anything inherently wrong with saying those things, but I think we've come to expect them so much now that we are seeking the praise of man and not Christ. Jesus called Peter Satan...SATAN!! He also called him out when he asked "Why'd you doubt?" and lets not forget when the Zebedee brothers were looking for some praise and asking Jesus to let them sit at the right and left hand in Jesus' kingom Jesus answered, to be first you must be last, NOT "Hey you know, your doing a great job being a disciple, you really are, I enjoy having you around but right now I just can't tell you that, keep on working hard and we'll see". And the disciples were supposed to be living for the praise of Jesus!!

Leave the praise for Jesus people. Encourage and admonish one another, not glorify.

Mirage

2005-02-19T02:03:00.000-08:00

It was around 5:45 in the evening when I was driving to the church I work at. I 've driven this road a hundred times before but I saw something I had never seen before. There was a huge mountain in front of me. How could I have never seen this before? I live in New Jersey, a state that is above water because of sedimentation coming off the appalachians for millions of years. Mountains dont appear in areas like this. I stared at it for about a minute trying to figure out how it got there. I know it wasnt there last week but it was absolutely beautiful. Nothing made sense, the mountain started moving and changing colors. As I made the turn it became obvious that it was just a cloud playing tricks on my mind. One of those clouds that take up the whole horizon in the shape of peaks and valleys. Never the less, it was still one of the most beautiful moments of my week and I dont care if it was just a cloud, it was a moment in the solace of the mountains for me.

I think sunset is the favorite time of the day for me. Did you ever think about how different colors originated? When I was younger I often wondered if there was a color inventor. How did someone think up red or aqua or pink? I now realize there is no human color inventors, only color copiers and mixers. Have you ever thought about how you would describe a color to someone that is blind? How much are we really inventing? I think a better word is discovering. I'm not quite sure we ever invent anything.

A Cry for Help

2005-02-14T17:24:00.000-08:00

I read something recently (I think this is becoming a theme in my blog entries) that made me want to write something. It really is kind of amazing all the support and aid being given for the Tsunami victims from around the world. To see everyone coming together because of this tragedy. Take away things like the celebrity phonothon, basketball players giving a thousand dollars for every point scored and evangelicals claiming they know God's mind on why it happened and it really does astound me. However, this is what i read. "Millions die annually from malaria and AIDS in the countries devestated by the Tsunami. More die monthly due to these causes then the whole of the Tsunami." I was blown away, its funny how certain statements can completely change your persepective. Why is it so easy for us to support the "Tsunami victims" yet so hard for us to desire change in the poverty situation for many of these areas. My only guess is that we like projects that have visible results in a short time period and we see this recent tragedy as a project to be completed and admired once finished. We don't tend to like things that will take much time, generations probably, and continued support financially. We don't like to get messy, we don't like the idea of taking on other people's pain since it has that unwanted side effect of taking on pain yourself. Closing our eyes and joining the rich celebrities in giving money to the "Tsunami victims" suits our pleasure much better. If it takes a Tsunami or a blown up building to get American Christians to give some money away we are way off course in what it means to be a disciple of Christ. I wonder what we would have said if it didn't happen near any American vacation spot, or just solely on the coast of Africa. I tend to think it would have been a side statement in the news and on the 3rd page of the newpaper. Ive listed three organizations that I trust in and am a part of, check them out and not out of pity for the "Tsunami victims" but because you have the funds to have the internet and the time to read this blog.

www.worldvision.org
www.compassion.com
www.redcross.org

* the quote came out of the editors note in the magazine "Scientific American"

POH

2005-02-09T17:00:00.000-08:00

As I was reading a book last week three words jumped out at me and wouldn't let me go. It was one of those times you read something and think "huh, thats a interesting" but keep on reading, only to find out about three hours later that the phrase still hasn't left your mind and it keeps getting bigger and bigger. The book didn't focus on these three words but I have a feeling that in a few months one of the only things im going to remember are these three words. Have I stirred up enough suspense to give them to you yet? I suppose so, drum role please.....'prisoners of hope'. Kind of anti-climatic wasn't it. I apologize if I let you down, it seemed more dramatic in my head, I guess you'll have to wait three hours.

All around me (and in me) I see despair, poverty, failure and I think does God really exist? Is there really any power in Jesus? If I was to answer this question out loud I am quite sure that I would say yes, but I think that deep down a part of me really wants to say no. How can all this stuff be true yet the church be what it is and the people who they are. How can I be a 'Christian' and look and think like this? I feel trapped between hope and despair. Kind of like the disciples huddling in a small room wondering what went wrong "how could our hope have been killed on a cross?" "How could we have let ourselves be vulnerable to the idea of hope, well it won't happen again, I'm not falling for it twice"--'Doubting' Thomas. It's probably the reason Thomas wanted to touch the hands of Jesus, the last thing he wanted to do was to give in to hope again, " there's no way im going to get crushed again under the false notion of hope again it hurts too much". I suppose this is why when picturing the disciples I always most associated myself with Thomas. Jesus knew Thomas wasn't doubting the way we think of doubt, he didn't need evidence to 'believe' he needed evidence to hope again, he was scared that Jesus really did raise from the dead, he was scared to place his hope back in Jesus. It probablly took him 3 days to harden his heart enough to believe that he never really hoped in Jesus in the first place. Hearing Jesus was alive just wasn't enough to break down that hardened heart.

However, can you imagine the joy in Thomas when the hands of Jesus were felt and the hardened heart was broken with hope restored. I think hope may be one of the hardest things for Christians caught in this time of "not yet", living in a world that has been redeemed but not fully. We have a foot placed in two realities, the one of a fallen world and the one of a redeemed world. One day the redeemed world will be the only reality but "not yet". It is placing my hope in the redeemed world that I find so difficult. Too often my eyes decieve me into believing some circumstance is more powerful than Jesus. I think this is why I love the phrasing so much. Prisoner has a dark and negative connotation while hope gives the impression of light and joy. Endearing the idea of "not yet".

I would have no other foundation to believe this phrase had Thomas not touched the hands of the living Jesus after his death on the cross. It is a hope that is greater then death and all that resides in this fallen world. It is in this hope where I find freedom to live as if there is more then what I see. I now realize that Easter is the cell in which I find myself a prisoner of hope. It's dark in here but I can also see a light.

Screwtape Letter

2005-02-03T18:30:00.000-08:00

Dear Wormwood,
Your most recent letter to me was written with much fear and anxiety. I read your predicament and as your overseer I must strongly disagree with your prognosis. The current methods of consumerism and narcissism may not be applicable to your assignee but there is a time old method that has been used since the beginning of this horrid species that will be too sweet for him to withstand. Don't forget our Book of Order chapter 1, there is a story in there which both we and they share, how they still foolishly believe this story will ever end in victory for our enemy still astounds me. The story talks of the first victory by our Master. He is depicted as a snake in their book but our more accurate account shows Him to have taken on the form of a unicorn, the most beautiful of all the orginal species which no longer exists because of this very event. The two snakes called Adam and Eve have already at this point been told by their Warden not to eat of two trees. Our Master was delighted to know that elohim had given them this one command. As with every law given, we must see this as an opportunity for rebellion and not fear the possibility of further affection. This is why we still celebrate the Feast of the Commandments to this day, it was the first opening for us to truly wreak havoc in the relationship between elohim and the abjects. For some reason most of the abjects think of the golden calf to be something we created, or a victory for us, when we had nothing to do with it, that was something they came up with all on their own. It's the law that we were focused on, without it we had nothing to show the true imprisoning nature of our enemy, it was one of the greatest victories for our Master still to this day. It is by this standard we are able to show far more appealing options to the abjects.

Moving on away from the history lesson and back on to topic, the story goes on about how our Master revealed the truth to these snakes and gave them life to become "human". Elohim, in his ignorance, played into the Master's hand and gave them over to us in the form we now see them. It is this very method that I want to share with you wormwood. Our Master skillfully showed the wretched's that they do not need elohim and that they can become their own gods. The snakes were hesitant at first but eventually realized the truth and ate of the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. You may be asking what this has to do with your predicament. Well, the fruit is still available to give to all those who do not fall to the simplier methods described in earlier letters. There are still a few who can "see" beyond the emptyness of their lives and seek out our enemy, it seems you may have been assigned to one. Some even try to become leaders against us by enlisting into what they call the ministry. This is where you have described to me your assignee is at. Do not look at this as a failure, this is the place where the fruit tastes the most sweet, and the deception is the hardest for them to see. In their effort to crusade for the enemy we simply make them believe they are strong enough to be elohim himself thus negating the presence of the feared spirit. Some of our most significant victories have been achieved through those in the ministry. Remember the "Christian Crusade" we initiated a few centuries back? This was the very method used for that revival.

Allow your assignee to have success at first, do not try to make him fail, failure seems to cause these odd creatures to return to elohim, why they do not try harder I will never understand. In his success wisper in his ear, softly at first but louder the more he believes you, "elohim should be grateful to have you working for him, without you these people might be lost". Every once in a while remind your asignee that he needn't work on his own relationship to elohim, because he would be neglecting the people he is serving, adding in sometimes that the work he is doing daily is improving the relationship already. After a good amount of time your asignee should be more susceptible to the methods you are more familiar with such as lust, which also turns out to also be extra sweet for those in "ministry". Do not attempt to push your asignee too hard and/or too fast, be patient and allow him to gain confidence in his own power to resist the truth. It is in this very confidence that brings his guard down thus causing him to become the most susceptible. With him in this state of mind it should also allow you some time away from the feared warrior, nothing keeps him away more than confidence in self.

Finally, remember at all costs to keep him away from other's that "see" like him, this is something that must be prevented at all costs. You already know the effect of the weapon they label fellowship! We have made great strides in his culture dulling it down to a butter knife with the use of coffee and doughnuts. If he does happen to use this weapon correctly try to remind him that he must look like elohim, lest the people he is leading find out he is a fake. Keep up your hard work wormwood.

In the name of our Master,
Shadowalker

Steam

2005-02-03T13:48:00.000-08:00

I don't feel nessecarily compelled to write anything today except for the fact that I havn't done it in a while. I have all kinds of papers to write, books to read and things to do that are probably a lot more important than this, but you know what? sometimes you just gotta say screw it, this is what I want to do. I guess this is starting to become a place where some tension is released. For some it's running, others eating and for most TV, a blog seems pretty good compared to some others that I can think of. Well this isn't what I was going to write about but i suppose ill post this little rant.

Suprised by Joy

2005-01-28T02:02:00.000-08:00

I apologize for the length of this story, but if you're going to read one of my blogs...take the time to read this one. I've stolen the title from C.S. Lewis, I'm sorry for the unorginiality but any other title seemed to fall short.

It was early in the moring on September 11, 2001 the day now known as 9/11. It was a day that changed my life forever, a turning point i guess you could say, even if it took me over 3 years to realize it. It was one of those days where you feel like you are floating above looking down at everything going on, a moment that is too surreal to believe that it is reality, maybe the mind disconnects during these moments out of self defense. I didn't sleep very much the night before, there was too much on my mind. My life seemed to be moving fine before this incident, how could one moment make entire life come to a screeching halt? It wasn't that big of deal in the grand scheme of things. Why was this event different then the ones before. It wasn't the first time I've been caught. I was never embarrassed of my behavior, I was always honest if anyone asked. Funny thing though, when your honest...not many people like to ask. As I put my tie on around 7:ooam it felt like i was looking at someone else, someone i didn't know. I couldn't eat, the butterflies in my stomach seemed extra frantic this morning. How did i get here?

My dad showed up at my college to pick me up around 7:30am. It was hard to make eye contact let alone conversation. We soon left to go on our way. I was hoping he would turn the radio on so I wouldn't have to talk. Sometimes talking seems harder than flying away. I can't remember much of the ride there, it was only 10 minutes long. I recall passing it and having to make a U-turn but I don't remember much of what was said, if anything. I just remember the butterflies seemed to keep getting more frantic, maybe they got ahold of some speed down there. As we walked in together, there were more people than I expected to see. I wonder if they feel the same as I do, someone who isn't supposed to be here. I sit down in a pew with my dad feeling like one of those Japanese tourist in New York City.

We wait for about 30minutes before the Judge calls my name. "Andrew A. Wenker". It's all that needed to be said to sum up the last 3 years of my life. I stand up by myself, slowly shuffle out of the pew, walk down the middle aisle and stand before the Judge. Once again there's a big blind spot in my memory of what happened next. Some stuff about lawyers, my rights and whether I could afford a lawyer or would the state need to appoint one to me. I said I could afford one. The Judge then explained some things to me that I can't recall and I went to fill out some papers.

It was then time to go back to the dreaded car. I remember the walk taking an unexplainably long time for only a hundred yards or so. I purposely stayed behind my dad, just in his shadows. It was windy and I can still hear the sound of the large American flag flapping in the wind. Everything seemed extra quiet except the flag. As we got in the car, I knew there was no way I was going to make it back to my school without any words being said. How did I get here?

I was still floating when my dad first spoke. I can't bring to mind what broke the ice, but we quickly got to the point. I think I said something in my false strength along the lines of "thank you for coming with me, you didn't have to do that". Now you have to understand it took me three years to finally see this important moment in my life. What he responded with did not change me instantly. It grew like a untended vine slowly taking over my whole self. It didn't bring me to my knees crying for redemption. I was barely able to swallow it at the time, barely able to let it sink in without contemptuous thoughts fighting it out. I recognize the battle for this moment in my life clearer now. I can see why it was so hard for me to digest what was said here. If this moment was lost, my life might be completely different, if the other side took this battle the war might be over, it was the Battle of the Bulge for my soul. This was that moment in my life that rested on a razors edge, it could have went either way. Only by the grace of God, did my soul not lay in defeat that windy morning. My father responded with a short sentence I had heard before but never ingested, I never had the real opportunity to test it. This was the moment of truth...was he telling the truth or just saying the "right" things in the past when it was easy. He looked over at me and told me in his warm voice "I still love you son, no less then before. I am disappointed and sad. But my love remains the same." The butterflies suddenly stopped, trying to hold the tears in was like trying to keep the incoming tide from a sand castle, my misty eyes just looked out the window unfocused in the way that everything along the road blurs. I wanted him to know that it didn't touch me, that I didn't need his love, that I was ok on my own. While on the inside, all I wanted to do was cry and be held by my father. One moment of vulnerability is all it took to plant a seed that would eventually graft onto the Vine. Thank you dad for showing me what love is, I know it wasn't easy.

It was that day that I learned that real love has no, absolutly no, requirements beside one shared characteristic...being a son or daughter of the Father. It's not controlling, not self seeking, its patient, kind, it always hopes, it keeps no record of wrong, it never fails. I no longer needed to give up trying to earn something that was never attainable (read that again, it's a double negative) A love that has to be earned is no love at all. I can't give a date when I had given up on love, but I can tell you it was the last day I truly lived. I suppose as children we never question whether we are loved, at some point as we grow and "mature" we start to lose this perpective of uneared love. This moment of vulnerability was my first taste of Life in years, however brief. But oh the sweet taste. I had forgotten the flavor, it had been so long. Only the moment I knew i was loved was I ever able start to love again. Now this is my simple yet complex journey... to live a life of love, of being loved by the Father and in that love having no choice but to love people. Never forget that you are a son or daughter of a Loving Father... your life depends on it.

Pain is joy

2005-01-24T01:03:00.000-08:00

I noticed something today as i watched the Eagles win the NFC...finally. I have been a Eagles fan as long as i can remember and have suffered the heartache of watching 3 NFC championship losses. I remember the pain after each one, greater as each year passed. As i sat there in half disbelief watching the Birds finally get to the Super Bowl I realized that the joy of watching the win is nowhere near the pain of seeing them lose. I really can't tell you why, but I wonder what draws me to sports so much. Is it the pain or the joy? I love the wins but its the toughness after losses that I think I really connect with. The pain in the players faces, the determination to get back up, the feeling of unfinished business wrentching in the gut. This is the stuff that really makes me love sports. I need to watch to see if they get back up and fight. It's the same reason we all love comebacks so much, its the notion of never giving up, the idea that its not over till its over. For three staight years the Eagles have "gotten back up" to fight. Next up... the Super Bowl, i can't wait. But even if the Birds lose, I'll be waiting to watch them get back up to fight another day. Live the pain and the eventual joy will be that much greater. If you need evidence just take a look at any true Red Sox fan, i think they're still smiling.

Humbled by Gum

2005-01-22T02:22:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had a moment where you know what the right thing to do is...but for some reason you choose not to do it. Im not talking about huge moments here just the small ones, such as driving by a stranded motorist or not holding the door. Well i had one of those moments today. I was sitting in class and i take a pack of gum out of my pocket and get a nice slice of gum for myself, my freind next to me with a smile on his face says "ohh my favorite" i look at him, smile, nod and put the pack back in my pocket. Obviously the right thing there would have been to offer him a peice, it briefly crossed my mind, but i pushed it out and thought this gum is mine. The ironic twist to the whole story is that my roomate gave me that pack of gum earlier. I know what your thinking right now "what a jerk, its just gum"...for real, and there were still 3 peices left so it wasn't like it was my last. Don't worry the guilt caused me to offer him a peice about 3 minutes later...which he declined.

Why does this make me such a jerk is the question that i pondered for awhile afterwards. While i never really came up with anything worth writing down on that question something else popped up in my mind. What else do i hold onto as if it is mine when it is really just a gift. You know where im going with this right? Thats what i thought...how about my entire existence. What have i ever done to earn my life? nothing at all...when im brutally honest ive done plenty to deserve for it to be taken away. I've wasted the time, I've wasted the talents and I've stolen the glory. Of course, this whole discourse is presupposed to the idea that we have a maker and creator, but thats just where I am. This life is not my own and it deserves to be given freely to the one who gave me life, not just my first breath but my redemption. Give up the gum it's the only path to peace, just don't wait 3 minutes. He who tries to save his life will lose it, he who gives up his life will gain it.

WWJD

2005-01-19T17:18:00.000-08:00

I dont mean to beat this phrase to death but i have some thoughts on WWJD. It really doesn't seem to be a bad question to ask yourself when faced with moral or life decisions. I think there is a lot of good in it actually and it has some use. However, i dont think the practical use is the same as what most people see it for. I think WWJD works great for figuring out what we need to change in ourselves not in actually doing the right thing. Let me explain a little bit, when I ask myself this question i find that i am at a crossroad, i can choose what usually temporarily feels good or what brings glory to God and give me more ultimate satisfaction. For some reason its not hard to decide what Jesus would do (although there are excpetions) so why wouldnt this work and make us into Jesus impersonators? I think the key lies in the rest of it. How does an athlete do what he/she does? What we see is amazing ability on TV but what we dont see is what i think is the key. We dont see the hours of hard work in practice, the right diet, training, etc. I think we are powerless to do what Jesus did unless our underlife is training for those decisions. However, this stuff isn't sexy, its not appealing when looking at it from the outside. So many other things seem to be much more exciting and fulfilling. Jesus spent much of his time in prayer, meditation, fasting, solitude, simplistic living and scripture (although never seen in the gospels he seemed to have known the the Jewish scriptures by memory). Beside the first one, evangelicals have veered away from the rest. This is the time where a foundation is built. I really do believe that we are what we invest our time into. Jesus invested his time with his Father to know Him, to obey Him, to follow Him, to give Him glory. Afterall, Jesus didn't have the phrase WWJD, so how did he know which decision to make? By rooting into the Firm Foundation and when the decision came up he was able to soak up the power from the Father to be able to make the decision. I really think that these disciplines are lacking in our churches for the most part. I don't think we can expect anyone to make the right decisions without a source of power to make them. The disciples didn't just see Jesus turn the 5 into 5000 or heal the lame they also saw his more important side(more important meaning more time spent), the disciplines that enabled him to do those things. I am in the very early stages of coming to an understanding of this but i already recognize the importance of these things. I'm not claiming anything but grace has redeemed us, but im saying to live as Jesus did, as a disciple of Jesus we must strive to live like him in every aspect excpet for obvious cultural changes, i have not changed to a cloack and sandals yet. I know im making this sound way to simplistic and easy and im not giving you an answer to your problem, this is no magic pill, its really a way of life.

* this idea was birthed from the book called The Spirit of The Disciplines by Dallas Willard

short story

2005-01-18T16:03:00.000-08:00

First day of the semester, new faces in class, new teachers all that stuff. Just a funny moment i realized after class i thought someone might connect with. Heres the downlow, Im sitting there in one class that only has 8 people in it because of the format. We're sitting around two tables put together. The class starts at 10am.

9:54am There are 6 people in the smallest classroom i have ever been in. It couldn't have been more than 10x10ft. I spot the 3 freshman right away, its not hard its like seeing a tourist in your home town you just know they are, 2 males 1 female. Some "give me attention jokes" are said by the loud one and a quick introduction from him. I can't remember his name, but no one responded just a look of confusion in all our faces. Obviously he didn't know introductions don't work until after lunch.
9:55am I find my eye spot. There is a plaque on the wall across from me. I fixate upon it like it has the answers to the final on it. I spot a girl glancing at my spot, i quickly glance at her and she looks away. My territory has been taken back, victory! Although I can't recall what it actually said.
9:57am I see the guy next to me has found his spot. I quickly sneak a look so that he doesn't think i am trying to steal his spot. His is better than mine, he found a pin the tail on a donkey game on the wall with the tail's placed in a very obscene manner. A smile creeps out against my will.
9:58am A girl i know walks in and sits across from me. We give each other eye contact, the quick smile and small nod of the head. I felt like words should have been said but the room was just too quiet, i couldn't break it. I get fixated back on my spot and try to ignore the freshmen.
9:59am There is still no teacher in the room yet and the class starts in 1 minute. My spot is getting boring but i keep at it, it's my only hope of not having to get into a meaningless converstaion. I almost break with a question about how much the class books cost but i hold back and stay on my spot.
10am The teacher finally arrives. Smiles are had, soft laughter is heard and spots are no longer controlled. The tension dillutes as the class moves on.

people are so weird (im including myself)

Everyone loves a good list

2005-01-17T17:09:00.000-08:00

I try to be as authentic as possible with people, sometimes i succeed sometimes concede. I tend to gravitate toward the same type of people. Im not really a people person so i dont have a ton of freinds but the freinds i do have i consider authentic people. I've wondered lately what causes me to "get along" with some people and not "get along" with others. I know one answer won't sum this question up but i think authenticity is one of the biggest factors. This wasn't such a big deal when i was younger (high school age) but i think that's because i wasn't authentic myself. However, as i grow older i realize that so many people around don't know who they are and dont really care much to know. As a Christian, being authentic might even be harder. We are pounded to say certain things and look like certain people. Maybe this is why I have a hard time making true freinds that are Christians. Here are a list of things to conform to as a christian if you want to get along with everyone in church: (in no particular order)
1. you're praying for everyone that has ever told you a problem in his/her life
2. you're biggest "struggle" is spending time with God
3. use hair gel before church
4. always answer with " you just have to have faith"
5. or "ill pray for you"
6. don't mean it when you ask "how are you doing?"
7. dress to impress
8. almost every sin you can think of has to do with yourself
9. fellowship=doughnuts and coffee
10. always smile
11. never say "I don't know"
12. only give $ when people are looking
13. only give $ to your local church
14. watch oprah (if female)
15. be up on the latest celebrity info or you'll be out of the conversation (by the way Jen and Brad are divorced)
....many more but i wont list them all, you get the point. I have to admit i love the church, i still go to church, i am actually on my way to go into professional ministry but hopefully i never give into the pressures of looking and acting the part. I know i do sometimes, but hopefully i can stay authentic in the midst of failure and success. Both feed into conformity, to run from failure or buy into success always concedes to others expecations. This is a plea to be who you are, be honest, be authentic, be real, be compassionate. Christianity is not what is seen on TV. (feel free to add to the list in your comments)
---by the way please pray for me =)

Nearsighted

2005-01-13T22:44:00.000-08:00

Isn't odd how we believe our senses so quickly? I'm a contact wearer and i love them, but how much do they really fix? I can't see what i really need to see, i cant see beyond the moment, I'm bound to time. That's what sight really is, being able to see beyond the moment. Can you imagine, you'd be able to avoid the pain, reach for the greatest joy, never make the wrong choice. "They have eyes but dont see, ears but dont hear..." How much can we truely rely on our senses? How many times do they have to let us down? Reality is not always as it seems, although i never seem to believe my own statements. If only i could remember that life is lived for more than a moment. This song was birthed out of that idea.

Nearsighted

Too close to see anything

Dont care what it brings

I hate it but i love it

Want the race, hate the aftertaste

Looks alright from far away

I think the voice is gone for now

I'm back again to taste this fruit

Aint got nothing left to fear

Myopic* eyes

Believed the lies

My opaque eyes

Decieved by lies

Just one of those times again

It all seems to fade away

Hindsights always so clear

Can only imagine if i hadn't of stayed

My ears hear no more than i choose

Blinded by my own 2 cents

My eyes close to see only me

This moment's lived just for a kiss

Decieved by eyes, once again

Believed the lies, I'm here again

Myopic eyes

Believed the lies

My opaque eyes

Decieved by lies

*Myopic-unable to see clearly things that are far away
@ cambridge dictionary

To my Maker and Creator

2005-01-11T13:03:00.000-08:00

i felt like this song needs some context so im adding in where it came from:
I was at this concert laying down on a blanket looking up at the sky. I was enjoying the music but not really into it and i love stars so i was just staring at them, and for a moment i swore i saw some stars twinkling to the music being played and it seemed like they were dancing to the music. This got me thinking to how alive creation is and brought in a flood of other things around us that remind me of how creation praises its Creator, we just need to look. I wrote this with the intention to join in with the rest of the created in praising our Creator.

Creation Alive

The stars dance to your music with joy unmatched
The sun shines forth your glory with all the radiance alive
The sky stretches with your grace unending colors abound
The ground soaks up your mercy poured on thirsty lips

How great You are
Beautiful, Gloriously robed
Make me Your creation alive

The moon reflects your greatness afar empty and dark alone
The ocean swells deep with your love filling the deepest of depths
The winds scream with praise while leaves are dancing in your honor
The thunder rolls out your majesty with clouds annoucing the Great I Am

How great You are
Beautiful, Gloriously robed

The wonder of it all is how
I've lost this wonder and awe of You
Beautiful, Glorious, Great I Am, Majesty

How great You are
Beautiful, Gloriously robed
Make me Your creation alive

traffic

2005-01-10T14:27:00.000-08:00

Sitting, starting, stopping, gazing, daydreaming, frustrated. Thousands of us all on the same road but with different desinations. Do you ever wonder where everyone is going? or where everyone is coming from? Youv'e got the shoulder rider, the singer, the finger popper, the tailgater, the makeupdoer, the starer' the reader all sitting in boredom trying to waste some time. Maybe if im busy enough ill forget all about the traffic. Maybe if i piss some other people off this ride will be alright. Do we really have anywhere to go? Are we really heading anywhere? Who cares, at least we're progressing. Progress? am i actually progessing nah just moving. The traffic has stopped again, quick, move so i dont have to think about this. Mind on the road, keep your mind on the road and dont think about the destination it just might kill you. No one else is worrying about the desination why should you? Just keep driving, there...that pain is fading away now, ahh i remember now, its all about beating the person in front of you, that's what it's all about. Mind on the road...

live strong

2005-01-07T19:56:00.000-08:00

alright, i have to admit it. These things set me off, no more than that...they enrage me. Kind of like the feeling you get when you glance over to see an ex-girlfreind that your not over yet snuggling up on some other guy. The color yellow even bothers me, why couldnt Lance make it blue or even orange for goodness sake anything but that hideous color yellow. Every time i see someone wearing one my mind instantly snaps into the VH1 show about the decades. I just picture some B rated comedian making half funny jokes about the live strong bracelots like the pump up sneaker or the bicker short craze of the 90s. saying this like "live strong? did anyone actually buy one of those bracelots how did so many people have them? you would think a cure would have been found by now, all the scientists probablly used the money on booze." My question to all who wear them is WHY OH WHY?!? do you really give 3 hoots about cancer? im sure some do but why wear the bracelot...just donate the freakin money and be done. (remember this is being written in pure rage). I guarantee wearing the bracelot will not save or prevent you from getting cancer. oh the yellow...the deep evil of yellow. For the love of sweet apples join me in the resistance of rubber bracelots of all colors: yellow, black, pink, green, white, red...the whole lot of them.
on the other hand, maybe all of this rage comes from me subconsciously wanting to join the bracelot people and do whatever bracelot people do, maybe i am secretly jealous of the mysterious power of the bracelot. They do have a certain aura around them. I wonder if the bracelot people all meet in a secret hiding place or maybe they get free upgrades at mcdonalds. Maybe i am missing out on this movement. Maybe the bracelot people will start wearing live strong socks and live strong undies. Yes..Yes, then i will join the bracelot people when i can wear rubber underwear and not be called 'freak'. Then i might even learn secret information of the car magnet people, but they are for another time my freind.

* free tangent* i actually begged my parents for biker shorts at some point in my elementary years, and i dont know what is scarier: that fact that i wanted them or that i vividly remember crying because i didnt get them. Im not sure if i have fully healed from that moment in my life yet. *

on the band wagon

2005-01-07T16:06:00.000-08:00

so i guess ill join the masses and start a blog. I don't really know why but i guess someone might like to hear my random thoughts on life. also i like to say the word blog and blogger, it just sounds nice coming off your tongue and this will give me the opportunity to do that. I wonder if anyone will actually read this? a cry into the dark... hello hello hello. Thats all for now this is captian ill signing off..